Weekend Recap and Other Important Life Things

Welcome to our blog reunion.. Rob and Addy are back. Nick is here in spirit, lending his trademark goofiness to this post. Nick actually thinks about posting three or four times a day, but never gets around to it, capturing the essence of Procrastinationsville, MD. We are a disgrace to the name. Similar to all aspects of our life, we really have no idea what direction we are going in for this blog update, other than using hilariously side-splitting humor. Also, confusing sarcasm that takes you awhile to realize we are really saying the opposite of what it looks like we're saying. Also, run-on sentences.

Since its a Wednesday and we're already longing for the weekend, lets relive the glory days of last weekend, which feels like forever ago. It involved the "handsome" young trio of "men" known as Addy, Ben, and Gooch traveling down to North Carolina to visit Rob, Allie, Emily, and various members of their families who inexplicably all happened to be in the Chapel Hill area on the same weekend. We could have live blogged the entire weekend.. but we chose to actually enjoy ourselves. Next time though...be ready. It will be the best post of your life. After immediately wasting 6 hours, we started drinking apple juice.. heavily. We played games where the losers were forced to drink more apple juice. We drank so much apple juice that we had to go to the grocery store to load up on Mott's and Minute Maid three separate times. Allie drank so much apple juice that she turned bright red, just like an apple. Eventually we ran out of apple juice, and the night was over. The next day Ben drank so much apple juice he felt the need to expel all those juices into Emily's kitchen sink. Obviously Motts needs to lessen the potency of their fine beverage. Fortunately Ben recovered by the next morning and was able to rescue Addy, who had spent the last two hours trapped (naked) in the bathroom due to a malfunctioning lock. It was an epic two minutes worth of fiddling with the handle until the two friends finally embraced in the doorway. With his 200 pounds of brawn, Ben looked quite the hero and Addy undoubtedly looked the damsel in his towel. In related news, Ben continually asks Addy to come to the gym with him. Anyways, Disney already has made a call asking for the rights to this heartwarming tale. Russell Crowe is scheduled to play Ben and Julia Roberts hopes to work her schedule out so as to be able to take on the role of Addy. It is shaping up to be a career-defining role. Screw Pretty Woman. Meanwhile, Gooch was preoccupied with doing the dishes because he is a fantastically nice person. And surely there was no ulterior motive to that cleaning. None, whatsoever. Yep. Verne Troyer (Mini-Me) has already accepted the role of Gooch. Kal Penn (Kumar) is the only one who can play Rob. Or maybe the chick from Bend It Like Beckham and E.R. Hollywood needs more Indians so we can mix-up our jokes.

The rest of our time was spent watching football (UNC, Maryland, and the Redskins all won as underdogs on the road), playing basketball (Addy destroyed half of UNC), mooching off our respective family members, and other activities that made Addy feel better about his masculinity. Anyone out there looking to make a trip to UNC (if from UMD) or UMD (if from UNC)...we will hook you up. And maybe next time we'll create a better post.

In general news...former running back Travis Henry was arrested for allegedly distributing six pounds of marijuana and three kilograms of cocaine. Questions now surely abound on whether or not Henry can keep up his prolific rate of impregnating different women. Will he wind up stuck at nine forever? Here's hoping for a short sentence (or female guards) and a foray into double digits.

Also in general news, the vice presidential debate is tonight. It will be boring. I hope Sarah Palin gets to debate Tina Fey at some point in the next month.

Until Next Time,
Testudo and Ramses

P.S- Addy did not have any Gatorade the entire weekend. To all those addicts out there...Addy is here to give you hope. Stay strong. Here's to kicking the habit.

P.P.S - In the true spirit of the blog, Nick arrived just in time to write this post, post script. He is very pleased with himself.

THE AMERICAN FOOTBALL CONFERENCE

Since I'm farther away from the center of the NFC universe (the Washington Redskins).. I'll be breaking down some teams in the AFC.

AFC East
New England Patriots -- Tom "God" Brady went down in week one, tearing his ACL and MCL. Ironically, these are the same two ligaments Notre Dame coach (and Brady's former O-Coordinator) Charlie Weis tore yesterday when a player collided into him on the sideline. Charlie Weis said he "felt like an athlete for the first time in his life." No word on whether Tom Brady feels like someone who probably eats Gisele's weight in food for each and every meal.

New York Jets -- Brett Favre took his guns and slings over to New York. He's comfortable in Wrangler. And the Jets are still comfortable having a terrible offense and losing to the Patriots, as they did today, 19-10. On the bright side, their top receiver has the coolest name of any top receiver in the NFL. Jerricho Cotchery owns you, Chad Ocho Cinco.

AFC North
Cincinnati Bengals -- Remember when these guys were the team of the future? Palmer-Ocho Cinco-Houshman;ohdf;lkjsahfd were going to be the next Manning-Harrison-Wayne. That defense had a lot of interceptions. One Kimo Von Olhoeffen trip into Carson Palmer's knee and its been all downhill since then. Coincidentally, Ocho Cinco is the number of arrests the Bengals have had in the last five years. They're 0-2.

Cleveland Browns -- Also 0-2. They had two home games to open up the season, and lost by a combined score of 38-13. Braylon Edwards is failing miserably on his promise to double Michael Phelps's gold medal count with 16 touchdown catches. Jamal Lewis and Shaun Rogers on the other hand are doing a great job of doubling Michael Phelps's daily caloric intake, minus swimming 8000 miles a day.

Pittsburgh Steelers -- Head coach Mike Tomlin looks like Omar Epps. For a team with such a tough reputation, you think they would hire an actor who wasn't in Love and Basketball. Great movie though.

AFC South
Indianapolis Colts -- Strugglesville, Indiana. Starting multiple rookies on your offensive line and opening up against the defenses of the Bears and Vikings will screw up your vaunted offense in a hurry. On the other hand, watching the offenses of the Bears and Vikings would probably screw up your offense in a hurry as well. The Colts are lucky to be 1-1 after beating Minnesota today despite getting thoroughly dominated throughout.

Tennessee Titans -- They're 2-0 despite the complete mental breakdown of quarterback Vince Young. Two and half years ago, Matt Leinart, Vince Young, and Reggie Bush were at the top of the world, attending the Heisman trophy ceremony and playing in the NCAA national championship. Now Reggie is averaging less than 3 yards a carry, Matt Leinart gets caught on camera partying with underage girls, and Vince Young's therapist is telling stories of suicide to the media. At least they got almost 70 million dollars in combined guaranteed money.

AFC West
San Diego Chargers -- LaDainian Tomlinson has yet to get going, and the Chargers are in a 0-2 hole. No worries though, last year they started 1-3 and still made the AFC Championship. This year should be more of the same as they bounce back and inevitably turn in their annual playoff choke job.

Oakland Raiders -- Their owner is insane, their coach has been on the verge of being fired for months, their quarterback is fat, their offensive line is non-existent, their new cornerback and defensive end are overpaid.. and their fans still go nuts at the football games. Love the Oakland fans. They might not be the worst team in the division this year, as they beat Kansas City today in KC.

Until next time,
One of Travis Henry's Nine Children (we all have different mothers)

THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL CONFERENCE

Autumn is a fantastic season. We can watch football and listen to Dick Enberg try to correctly pronounce names like Jericho Cotchery, Steve Breaston, Willie Colon, Oshiomogho Atogwe and Ashton Youboty. The possibilties are endless. The man is not even lucid enough to follow a tennis match at this point. How does CBS expect him to announce football? Anyways...in case you've been asleep for the past two weeks here is an update on teams from the NFC. Hopefully it is amusing.

The Defending Super Bowl Champions...The New York Football Giants (2-0)- How do I feel about living in a world where Eli Manning is the reigning Super Bowl MVP? Queasy. Also slightly dazed. My headache takes on a different quality when trying to wrap my brain around Eli's accomplishments. Kinda like any time I am trying to figure out the plot on Lost. I'd have an easier time living in a world if I found out Elvis wasn't actually dead.

Philadelphia Eagles (1-0)- Beat the Rams by 35 in Week One. My intramural flag football could probably compete with the Rams at this point but at least we know Philly would be a lock to win that intramural t-shirt. Might need a different size for Tra Thomas.

Dallas Cowboys (1-0)- Pacman...sorry I mean Adam Jones has stopped making it rain. Tony Romo continues to show up to practice instead of blowing it off to take trips to Cancun with Jessica Simpson. Terrell Owens is doing his ab workouts in places other than his driveway. Tank Johnson is being more discreet with his possession of numerous assault rifles. Jerry Jones still can't feel his face. Everything is peaches and cream so far for the Cowboys. Somehow I think that might not last...

Washington Redskins (1-1)- I don't think we are very good. But at least we won today. So these next few sentences won't be full of ranting about Jim Zorn's IQ level. Plus there are new Eastern Motors commercials out with Clinton Portis and Antwaan Randle El dancing like uncool white people so that made me feel better about myself. Your job is your credit. GO SKINS!

Green Bay Packers (2-0)- Prediction: Aaron Rodgers will have a better season than Brett Favre. Fact: I hate Brett Favre. I am sick and tired of him. I can't even write anything else about this team. Go Packers. Stick it to Favre.

Chicago Bears (1-1)- Kyle Orton is a starting NFL quarterback. He is obviously taking too many cues from Matt Leinart. But hey...at least he is not Rex Grossman! At least Devin Hester is still on the team so there are assurances that the Bears will occasionally have highlights shown on ESPN.

Minnesota Vikings (0-2)- Men who won't win a Super Bowl even in a world where Eli Manning and Trent Dilfer have rings...Tarvaris Jackson. Most teams had Jackson as a late round draft pick and a possible third stringer with a bit of potential. But the Vikings were not swayed and decided to make Tarvaris a second round selection in 2006 and handed him the starting position a year later. But this is the franchise that traded five players and six draft choices for Herschel Walker. So they have at least been moving in the right direction over the past twenty years.

Detroit Lions (0-2)- This team is awful. Atrocious. Jon Kitna threw four touchdowns against the Packers today. Two to Calvin Johnson and two to the Packers. Apparently the white jerseys of Green Bay started to look like Detroit's own blue jerseys. Or he felt too uncomfortable with the Lions actually completing a three-touchdown comeback and defeating their rivals and immediately reverted back to the standard Detroit level of performance.

Carolina Panthers (2-0)- I have no idea how they managed to win both of their games thus far, especially without Steve Smith. I hope they stop winning just so Rob is spared from having to constantly hear about the Panthers while at UNC. Or at least until basketball season starts and everyone realizes the Tar Heels have one of the greatest college basketball teams of all-time.

(Tangent: Dick Enberg just tried to inform the world that Legedu Naanee caught a two point conversation pass from Philip Rivers. I apologize to the entire Naanee clan for not including their pride and joy in the above list of names that are hilarious when in the hands of Mr. Enberg.)

New Orleans Saints (1-1)- Lost to the Skins. Beat the Bucs. Reggie Bush is elusive and still can't grind out the tough yards. Drew Brees can still throw a football with power and accuracy. Jeremy Shockey is still a complete douchebag. Martin Gramatica still wildly celebrates every successful field goal attempt. The Saints will hover around .500 all season and continue to be mostly mediocre. At least some things are predictable.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-1)- Jeff Garcia and Brian Griese! If only the Bears were so lucky. However, Bucs fans won't exactly be enthused with this tandem. And by season's end I'm sure Jon Gruden will throw Luke McCown out there, too. Hopefully they can be cheered up by having the opportunity to dress up like this.

Atlanta Falcons (1-1)- The season is already a success. The franchise quarterback has not yet been sentenced to jail for dogfighting. The coach has not quit midseason and gone back to college football. The superstar free safety has not been charged with solicitation. The glass is half full. Remember that Atlanta after another 4-12 season.

The NFC West- Not worth mentioning. Arizona will win this division with an 8-8 record. The Rams are embarrassingly bad. Seattle called me this weekend to see if I could play wide receiver against the 49ers...who are still the 49ers. Due to intra-divisional games we know that there have to be at least 12 combined wins for the division. Don't count on too many more than that.

Until Next Time,
Tom Brady's ACL

Public Service Announcement

I have written other things in my spare time while not blogging. More serious things with fewer bad jokes. They are kind of long and not particularly insightful but I plan on continuing to write throughout this semester. I have something on being sick/God/state of my life and something on the power of sports. If you want to read either or both of these or anything else I write lemme know. Also Rob has been blogging on his own...go read borderline ridiculous. It's linked in his profile. I have no idea what has gotten into us. Now go read my new post.

Until Next Time,
If-I-Had-More-Testicular-Fortitude-I-Would-Have-Been-A-Journalism-Major

College

Andddd we're back. I am in College Park, Rob is in Chapel Hill, and Nick is in...Tulsa. Wherever that is. So pardon our complete neglect of this blog over the past two weeks as we have all been busy getting adjusted to our surroundings. Seriously...we all have things to do. I swear. Go read Nick's new blog, 'Things That Happen in Oklahoma," if you haven't already. It's linked in his blogger profile...yeah...his blogger profile. He will probably never post again but then again this is the 21st post of Procrastinationsville, MD. For all we know this could be the start of routinely exceeding expectations. I hope not. Anyways, I thought i would update everyone on what my fall schedule is looking like so...here...we...go. (R.I.P. Heath Ledger)

Agriculture and Resource Economics 365- World Hunger, Population, and Food Supples: A 50 minute guilt trip three times a week about how I don't have any real problems because I am not starving to death. This class will probably be terribly depressing. But the professor brought his three year old son into class today to help him read a short story and ensure that none of the two hundred girls enrolled do not drop his class. Well played professor...well played...also he is kind of cute for a middle aged man. So if you're into that...please keep it to yourself. But sign up for AREC365 and pretend you care about the world.

Economics 300- Methods and Tools for Economic Analysis: Since I am actually an economics major I guess it is good I have at least one econ class this semester. This is what happens when you change majors after sophomore year has already concluded. The professor's last name is Ozbay. And that is quite close to Osby but unfortunately the only thing my professor has in common with former basketball player Boom Osby is that I have no idea what either of them is ever saying. He only displayed a couple gay tendencies even being from Europe and the textbook is a trippy bright blue. I feel like those are the two positives I can draw from my first day...hopefully there are more to follow.

Astronomy 300- Stars and Stellar Systems: I did not learn enough in Astronomy 100 to take girls star-gazing and impress them with my knowledge of the sky so I am back for an intermediate course. In the quick review on the first day the main point established was that we could not be more insignificant when taking into account the enormous size of the universe. Obviously I chose my classes this semester in order to reduce my ego and increase my compassion for fellow human beings...everyone best hope I attend lecture.

Environmental Science and Technology 373- Natural History of the Chesapeake Bay: This is a late afternoon class. One lecture is on Friday from 3-3:50. It is a twenty minute walk to the Animal Science and Agricultural building that I did not know existed until today. Despite having a relatively mundane and straightforward course description the professor repeatedly threw out the words differential equations, symbolic model diagramming, and physics during today's class. Every student has the option of taking only the final exam and taking that as your final score for the class. In summation...I am never going to this class again. One down...three to go.

Miscellaneous: Since I am only taking twelve credits (as I have yet to prove I have the ability to do my work), I will not have a particularly time-consuming academic schedule. In my spare time I hope to win an intramural championship t-shirt (I am actually guaranteeing one for the fall semester...write it down), run a sub 5-minute mile, build an epic Gatorade bottle tower in my room, become absurdly good at beer pong, eat the occasional vegetable, and find someone to replace Nick. Please post your applications in the comments section if you think yourself worthy. Seriously.

Until Next Time,
Soon-To-Be Van Wilder

Reflections on a Summer of Blogging

As most of you know, I spent the past 11 weeks frolicking around in the wilderness of upstate NY with a bunch of small boys. In this particular wilderness, there was very limited communication with the outside world, and therefore, very limited opportunity for me to contribute to this wondrous blog. In my absence, however, it seems my contemporaries rose to the occasion and blogged like it was their job. My insatiable desire to feel included has prompted me to review this summer's posts, and to share with the nonexistent readership how I really feel about them.

NBA Finals Game One-Live Blog: Addy has always dreamed of becoming the next Bill Simmons (he writes funny things about sports), so I guess I was not surprised by this post. I was also incredibly grateful for the overview of the game, however I am still curious what happened in the last 5 minutes. I have two theories. Either Addy could not control his emotions, and is therefore no better than the women sports reporters whom we all love so dearly, or he had accepted there was absolutely no chance of anybody reading that far into a post about sports. It's a toss up.

Intramural Champion of the Universe: I resent this post. I have accomplished none of my goals, and will almost assuredly never earn an IM championship t-shirt. At least Rob is still Indian.

NBA Finals Game Four-Live Blog: Addy is still an emotional basketcase, and apparently oblivious to everyone's disinterest in his sportswriting. It was a good post, you should all go read it.

Top 10 Characters on TV: OK first of all, this is a legit post. That was a huge surprise. Well thought out, and could be appealing to a wide range of readers. If only we had readers. There is no second of all.

What would we do if we were girls for a week: This post left me genuinely horrified. After spending so much time in the woods, the shameless vulgarity caught me quite off-guard. Not only had I not seen a female in weeks, but imagining two of my closest friends as women was not pleasant. Rob would definitely have a beard.

A Day in the Life of... Addy Holmes: Upon reading the title of this post, I knew it would be either boring, or a complete lie. I definitely would have preferred the latter. No such luck.

J.B. Throwdown: Great analysis of the various JB's in our lives. This summer at camp there was a 15-year old French kid named Jean-Baptiste, known affectionately to all as JB. He would lose to the other JB's in every category, but he was hilarious, inappropriate, and spoke broken English, and therefore is somehow worth mentioning.

Top 10 Most Difficult Things To Do In Sports: I had trouble deciding if the goal of this post was to entertain, or to inform. I was left mildly amused, and thoroughly confused as to whether or not these are actually the most difficult things to do in sports. My only conclusion is that baseball is still a huge waste of time.

Olympic Breakdown Part 1: The Sports: What an absurdly long post. I hope this post isn't that long. Probably the best part was Addy's implied promise to name his son Jamal. Let's all hold him to it.

Olympic Breakdown Part 2: The Countries: When I read in the introduction that 50 countries would be mocked, I was dubious. I now realize just how little my friends had to occupy their time this summer. Some great one-liners though. I love one-liners.

USA-Greece: Thoughts I think I thought while reading this post: I'm glad the US is winning. I hope Addy someday becomes a better writer and gets hired by ESPN. That would be cool.

Oh Hey Michael: I have watched that video clip dozens of times now, each time picturing those expressions on the faces of Addy and Rob. Definitely a good use of my time.

Reflections on a Summer of Blogging: This post is long and boring. I am ashamed to have written it. I shall use as an excuse that I am rusty, and my next post will be better. Hopefully by then I will have thought of new excuses.

Glad to be back,
Davy Crockett

Oh Hey Michael..

This is basically what Addy and I looked like after watching the USA's awesome comeback in the 4x100 men's free relay. Suck it, France.

USA-Greece

Thoughts I Think I Thought During the USA-Greece Men's Basketball Preliminary Game

Why did I wake up at eight in the morning to watch this?

Sofoklis Schortsanitis is a large man. He is a center for the Greek team and comes in at 6'10 and 345 pounds. And probably is pushing 400 in reality...little too much olive oil for Sofoklis. And maybe a little too much sun, too. He seems to have more than the usual Mediterranean tan.

The United States team is a fantastic collection of talent but falls short of the star power of the original Dream Team in 1992. However, replace Chris Bosh, Carlos Boozer, and Tayshaun Prince with Tim Duncan, Kevin Garnett, and Amare Stoudemire and that may be the greatest team ever assembled considering Bird and Magic were tailing off at the end of their careers in 1992. Of course the 2008 team's defense is untested thus far against quality NBA talent, and if I remember correctly they would have to deal with some guy named Jordan on the 1992 team. Oh, and this guy will surely create terrible match-up problems.

Dwyane Wade has been one of the two best players for the United States (with Lebron). He is the most explosive player on the floor and flying all over the place. 'The Flash' might be more than a nickname now. Did he bathe in charged chemicals as part of the rehab from his shoulder injury? There should probably be an investigation. Because if this theory is not disproved I might take my chances and break into the NIST laboratory to try to get me some of that superspeed.

I think I could be the Takeru Kobayashi of professional Gatorade drinking. I have downed three bottles already this morning. I can feel my teeth rotting as I type this up. But I have such dedication I believe I may even be able to do Kobayashi one better and drink more Gatorade than a bear. Please notice the flag that the bear is competing under. Take that Japan! You can keep your zits, kimonos, and crazy anime. We will maintain our superiority with our army of trained American bears! Also our nuclear bombs. Yeah...

Chris Bosh wants his spot back in my imaginary Dream Team. He has displayed quick feet, great finishing around the rim, excellent pick and roll defense, and even recorded a steal when matched up against a Greek guard. He must feel bad that the quality of his basketball game has been lagging so far behind that of his YouTube videos. I'm fairly certain Chris would be happier if he was enrolled in film school. Unfortunately he wound up 6'10 with fantastic athleticism and a great jump shot. And that is a sentence you will never see written ever again...

Carmelo Anthony just got blocked by the rim. I never get blocked by the rim. Sure that might be due to the fact that I play my game far, far below the rim, but from this play I think we can all safely assume I am a more athletic player than Melo.

The U.S.A. finished off the game strong and won by more than twenty points. The defense was extremely impressive and proved far more effective than that of the Death Star's. Kobe would make a great Darth Vader but I guess Luke Skywalker is a bit more badass than Vasileios Spanoulis...obviously the comparison is not lightsaberproof. I'll work on it though. Until next time...

Han Solo

Olympic Breakdown Part II: The Countries

Warning: These Olympic posts are extremely long. That's what she said. Read them anyway.

While Addy is reasonably good at sports (and therefore covering the Olympics on a sport-by-sport breakdown), my ethnic background clearly gives me the credentials to comment on many of the countries participating in this show of world unity. Since there are 205 countries participating and I have no intention on ever writing about a country like Lesotho, I will pick about 50 notable ones to write about using my signature mindblowing insight. Here we go..

Afghanistan -- "AIDS is not funny. Believe me, I've tried"
Bhutan -- Props for having a hilarious flag. I'm pretty sure that's a Gyarados.
British Virgin Islands -- An incredibly bold move, trying to pass off as a real country at the Olympics. We know the truth.
Canada -- They have a stronger dollar than us. But its a moot point once you realize that the French somehow convinced half the country to speak their language.
Chad -- Given its location, "DeShawn" would be a more appropriate name for this country.
China -- The host country. Should beat the United States in terms of gold medals. No wonder companies like Nike and Walmart are moving their factories over there.
Djibouti -- That's what she said.
El Salvador -- The Savior. Really? Jesus is his own country. Take that Muhammad, Buddha, and other religious figures. Go Christianity.
France -- Napoleon's parents used incredible foresight when naming their child. The guy had a ridiculous Napoleonic complex. No one in France has ever won anything since he took over the world. Also, I just saw France lose the best 4x100 men's relay ever.
Georgia -- In the process of being destroyed by Russia. They will almost assuredly fall from their preseason #1 ranking with this defeat.
Ghana -- "What? You are ranked #135 on the Human Development Index? You're a Ghana"
Great Britain -- GB also stands for Green Bay. Great Britain is "Great" because they don't worship Brett Favre or wear cheese on their heads.
Haiti -- Evil cousin of Chicago Bears coach Lovie Smith.
Hungary -- Contrary to popular belief, this country was not founded by a starving person. It was actually founded by a guy named Gary who had a huge penis.
India -- Yeah, land of my ancestors. Also had one silver medal at the 2004 Athens games. One silver medal for 1 billion people. Using simple math, we can deduce that 6 total medals were given out at the last Olympics. So two events. One was probably cricket.
Iran -- "I ran, because the United States is about to bomb the crap out of me."
Iraq -- "I rock, because the United States bombed the crap out of me and I'm still sending athletes to the Olympics. Screw them."
Japan -- Their flag might be better suited for India.
Kenya -- The other half of Barack Obama's campaign motto. "Yes we ken!"
The Koreas -- One of them is our friend, the other is planning to blow up the world. Kind of creates a cute "the ying and the yang" situation. Ha, asians are funny.
Kyrgystan -- Clearly went overboard with the idea that the letter Y is a vowel. Probably the retard of the stan family.
Lesotho -- OK Lesotho, you win. Here is your one line of fame.
Liberia -- Means "Land of the Free." Still looking for the home of the brave.
Mexico -- You know that joke that says Mexico doesn't have an Olympic team because all the Mexicans who can run, jump, or swim are over the border? Yeah.. it's true.
Nic "lane" aragua -- Yeah, that was the joke. I have nothing else to say about this country.
Niger -- Wow, OK, that is incredibly offensive.
Norway -- "NorWAY we win any medals during this year's Olympics!"
Oman -- Far more athletic, far less emotional than the fictional African country of Owoman.
Palau -- "What? They named a country after Gasol?! He's not even the best player on our team! He gets a country and I get a freaking steak," said an incensed Kobe Bryant before collecting his MVP award.
Palestine -- Pretty much the same as Israel, except we're supposed to hate them.
Poland -- Somehow managed to not be taken over by Russia or Germany long enough to put together an Olympic team.
Russia -- At war with Georgia, because of Michael Vick's animal rights' violations.
San Marino -- Seriously, the 'S' and 'D' keys are right next to each other. This country was so close to being named Dan Marino. Which means they'd be cursed to not win anything ever.
Saudi Arabia -- Arabian nights, like Arabian days, more often than not, hotter than hot. Thank you, Aladdin, for the lyrics. Because otherwise I would have said something stupidly offensive.
South Africa -- Probably the only African country that will ever have a chance at winning a medal in swimming, and never have a chance at winning a medal in basketball.
Spain -- Reigning international basketball champions and EuroCup 2008 champions. Also home to Rafael Nadal. Props for being good at real sports, but c'mon, to be in the Olympic spirit you need to contend in the world of obscurity known as badminton and synchronized swimming.
Sudan -- If the U.S. media handed out medals for "Important stories we can ignore so we can shove Paris Hilton down your throat," the Darfur crisis might take gold. There is no sport remotely close to that in the Olympics. So no medals for Sudan.
Switzerland -- They make knives, which they probably used to cut off their manlihood. And that is why they remain neutral in every conflict.
Thailand -- Their capital is Bangkok. And no, that never gets old.
Togo -- Official country of McDonald's. "I'll have a burger and fries." "Is that Togo?"
Turkey -- If anyone has a non-Thanksgiving joke about Turkey, feel free to contribute.
United States -- We are better than everyone because we won the "World Series." Also we have the "World Champion New York Giants" and "World Champion Boston Celtics" and "World Champion Whoever Won the NHL Title this Year."
US Virgin Islands -- If they were to just have sex with the US Virgin Islands, both countries' problems would be solved. I am a foreign affairs genius.

Well there you go.. you are now the least globally aware person in your house.
I wish I were Michael Phelps. Until next time..

Misty May

Olympic Breakdown Part I: The Sports

Because this is the only time everyone will actually read what I have to say about sports. If I am lucky. While Rob is taking the country side of things because he is foreign and lanky, I am blessing yall with my opinions on the various Olympic sports since I would hurt myself less severely trying to compete in them than Rob. Don't worry about the yall...it is not a permanent thing. I am just trying it out in hopes I could become adopted as a resident of Alabama and know how it feels to be the smartest person in my entire state.

Gymnastics- Question: Is the vault harder than the uneven bars? Answer: False. The balance beam is clearly the most difficult event. I have no idea how you could possibly go about practicing for this event. Okay guys today we are going to try this complicated flip for the first time...don't worry if you mess up, you will only suffer a concussion and maybe break a rib or two. Question: Does gymnastics destroy the psyche of every girl who ever competes? Answer: I have been watching the women qualifying events for an hour and a half (slow night) and half a dozen girls have fallen or committed some other egregious error. All of them looked like they just found out they will look like girls from MTV's Sweet Sixteen the rest of their lives. Only with intimidating six-packs and thighs the size of my...torso. Hopefully they came to this conclusion after they stopped growing at the age of nine though. It is a miracle none of them have broken into tears. And this is only the qualifying round, the final occurs tomorrow. Question: Are the hugs the athlete receives after her routine one of the most awkward events I have ever witnessed that has not followed one of my racist jokes among a group of minorities? Answer: Yes. The girls look like they are tight-ass Puritan wives going to the marriage bed...just performing their duty. I feel like a group of teenagers competing together for their country in the Olympics and are bound together by their unbelievable dedication to the sport and obvious proficiency in bed should be actual friends. But maybe I'm just old-fashioned that way.

Trampoline- Freaking awesome. If I could be any Olympian and I could not pick Michael Phelps or any of the NBA superstars, I would want to be the gold medalist in the trampoline. Even though it will inevitably be some ugly Eastern European guy (I would have thought Chinese but it's all about Europe apparently). Professional trampoliner is one of the five jobs I would actually enjoy. Along with professional baseball player, video game tester, Hugh Hefner's protege, and being a stay at home dad...yep.

BMX- New Olympic Sport! Seriously. I guess we are still waiting for the Halfpipe and Big Air...

Swimming- I enjoy swimming because it is the only time I have the opportunity to repeatedly say the word breast without getting dirty looks from members of the fairer sex. Other than at KFC. And since I don't like black people I don't really make too many appearances there (to both of my black friends reading this...I am kidding. But really.) And since black people don't know how to swim, talking about the Olympic swimming events serve as a much better option than KFC. I was just at the beach for a week (we'll blame that for the lack of blog posts recently) and there were two black families there. One of them ventured in past their waist and appeared to be able to swim. This may have been the most exciting moment of the week. That or watching the guy staying at the house next door try to flirt with my sister...and maybe me, too. It was hard to tell. Anyways, swimming is cool, Dara Torres is old, Michael Phelps appears to be the smartest dolphin ever seeing as how he has convinced the world he is eligible to set human swimming records, and shaving your legs as a guy is weird. And as Ludacris so eloquently put it...lemme give you some swimming lessons on my...genus (which is Homo by the way), backstroke, breaststroke, stroke of a genius...

Badminton- Pretty cool. Seriously. And during one match the commentator repeatedly referred to African as a nation. "The African Nation." I guess the continent is about on par with the following of a professional baseball team..."Red Sox Nation." But hey...we abolished slavery almost 150 years ago! Moving on up...

Rowing- Because watching paint dry could not be included this year.

Track and Field- I am rooting for Jeremey Wariner in the 400m. He is white. He wears sunglasses during all his races. He is probably friends with Eminem, Tiger Woods, and Barack Obama since all must feel lost in their respective fields. And I am most excited for the shotput and making bets on when the veins of of an athlete actually pop out of their neck. I miss Michael Johnson not only because his name is a combination of Michael Jordan and Magic Johnson, but because his gold shoes were awesome. And i wanted some. But now it is probably uncool...now I will have to wear sunglasses whenever I run even if it is at night or raining like Wariner. And I don't feel comfortable with that. I am not Jack Nicholson.

INTERRUPTION: The 4x100 Men's Relay just came on. Five teams broke the world record that was established in the preliminaries by the United States. Both the French and Americans broke the record by four seconds. That is an extraordinary amount. I had predicted that the French would win the relay and we would get the silver medal and Michael Phelps would wind up with seven golds and one silver in his quest to break Spitz' record of seven gold medals in one Olympics. The French were ahead going into the anchor leg by about half a second and they had the world record holder in the 100m in the pool. Alain Bernard had the world record of 47.5 seconds and previously stated the French were going to "smash" the Americans. He maintained his lead through the first 50m and the race appeared over. But the balding Jason Lezak came back on Bernard gradually and eventually edged him by .08 seconds after swimming the leg in a ridiculous 46.06 seconds. And Rob and I went nuts. This is the reason you watch sports and this is the reason you watch the Olympics. I am not a diehard patriot by any means but every four years I root harder for the U.S.A. than I do for the Redskins, Orioles, or Lakers. The race ended fifteen minutes ago and I have never smoked a cigarette but I feel like now would be a great time for one. If you can't appreciate the Olympics move to Canada where your lack of support won't be noticed except during hockey and curling season. Go U.S.A. I'm sure I could put it more eloquently but my mind is a bit fried right now...

Basketball- It is nice that the world is improving and the game of basketball has become more internationalized. Otherwise how would I ever be able to root for Sasha Vujacic? But i miss the days of the Dream Team and the complete obliteration of the other countries. I even miss the days when the United States was a heavy favorite for the gold medal. I miss the days when we simply won the gold medal. We better win the gold medal this year. I'm counting on you Kobe.

Handball- I have no idea why this sport is not more popular in the United States. Players are allowed three steps with the ball and can dribble and must pass or shoot within three seconds. It is fast-paced, high-scoring, and seven players a side. It involves jumping and chucking a ball at a traumatized goalkeeper. You don't have to use your feet. I had a lot of fun in gym class the two times we played it...though I guess I always had fun in gym class. Anyways, we should not be letting Europe get away with its' handball domination. No more basketball, soccer, football, or baseball for our youngsters, let's get them into handball! Personally, I am teaching my kid handball and Jamal Holmes is going to star for America in the 2040 Olympics.

There may or may not be a Part II. If the public wants more...the public will get more. And eventually the public will consist of more than fifteen people. I have faith. Go U.S.A. I wish I were Michael Phelps. Until next time...

Kerri Walsh

Top Ten Most Difficult Things To Do In Sports

Alternatively titled.. things we will never do in sports. The following is a list of the ten hardest things to do in sports, according to us.

10) Dunking -- You say millions of people have been able to dunk over the years and we say we can barely touch the net. You say basketball players can dunk from the free throw line and we say that we could not get to the rim with a trampoline. You say that half the black people on the streets can dunk and we say that you are racist…but also speaking truly about the general abilities of the previously referred to African-American population. Obviously dunking does not belong on this list…but for those of us who are 5’11 and have bad knees and well…yeah it’s just that…white men can’t jump.

9) Balance Beam -- We have no idea how this works. We cannot imagine the balance required to do anything other than walk across the beam without falling. So…yes we recognize the difficulty of gymnastics and are including the balance beam on our list. And now we can waste time watching videos like this in the name of research. Ouch..

8) Watching a NASCAR race -- Watching cars drive around a circle 200 times is easily one of the toughest things any educated human being can endure. But seriously, if NASCAR counted as a sport, driving a car 150 miles an hour for over 3 hours, bumper-to-bumper with other drivers without crashing once or dying would be up there among sports most difficult tasks. Temperatures in the car go over 100 degrees, and the forces on a driver's body are so strong that he would be fortunate to be able to move his head 6 inches in any direction. Their heart rates are at the level of a marathon runner. And unlike a lot of other sports, you don't get a break every few minutes to rest and relax. The fact that you are doing all this in the eyes of 100,000+ screaming inbreds makes the pressure and stress all the more unbearable.

7) Ironman Triathlon -- Swimming 2.4 miles alone would qualify as being one of the 30 toughest things to accomplish. But adding 112 miles of cycling immediately after the swim brings the Ironman competition up several notches. Throw in a marathon (26.2 miles) and you have yourself a top ten athletic achievement. Widely considered to be the most grueling competitions in sports, the Ironman Triathlon even beats out the Tour de France on our list. It is an absurd achievement for anyone to even finish this thing in a reasonable time, but the top athletes finish the three legs of the race in under nine hours, a ridiculous accomplishment.

6) Stopping a Penalty Kick -- The penalty spot is twelve yards from the goal. Soccer players can kick the ball 80 mph. Goalkeepers are human. This makes things extremely difficult. If you want to do the math yourself be my guest. In the end, the goalkeeper winds up doing a lot of guesswork and attempts to read the shooter and determine which direction he is going to go. Or you can take some felix felicis. Whatever works.

5) Playing Sports…as a Girl -- Girls are bad at sports. Everyone knows this. And since we’ve let them out of the kitchen and into a world where they think they have equal rights, they have bombarded us with things like Title IX and the WNBA. On the other hand, we have been privileged enough to be a part of a society that encourages this and this and this.

4) Covering an NFL wide receiver -- There is a reason no NFL coach is dumb enough to regularly put his cornerbacks one-on-one with a wide receiver, with no help from other defenders. It's practically an impossible task. NFL wide receivers are some of the fastest, most agile athletes in the world, and one mistake in single coverage means six points for the offense just about every time. The cornerback is at a natural disadvantage because he doesn't know for sure what route the wide receiver is going to run: their reaction time has to be cut to a minimum. But react too hard and you'll probably be faked completely out of your shoes, giving up a touchdown in the process and taking the sole blame for the defensive breakdown. Your job can be made easier by having a great defensive line to hassle the quarterback into making bad throws, but they can only help you so much. It's been proven Chad Johnson can turn 180 degrees after running full speed in just one-tenth of a second. Seems ridiculous to expect another human being to react quickly enough to stop him from catching a pass on a simple hook route.

3) Golf -- There are any number of skills required in golf that could be on this top ten list. Or maybe its just the entire concept of the sport: getting a tiny white ball into a tiny hole hundreds of yards away using a variety of metal sticks. Hitting the first shot is tough.. angle your club a couple degrees in either direction and you've missed your target by 50 feet, at least. Once you locate that 1-inch ball in the rough, hitting a powerful shot to get it out of there will probably be frustrating as hell as you repeatedly swing your club into the grass and miss the ball completely. Five strokes later, you are in the sandtrap, trying to get your ball out of there but instead slowly moving it up the slope of the sandtrap using another 3 strokes. Once you are out of there, 60 feet away from the hole, you somehow have to use your knowledge of physics to read the slopes on the green so you can get this nightmare over with. Tiger Woods can hit a putt from here. You can't. Four putts later, you finally get the ball in the hole. Congratulations on taking 15 strokes on a par-4 hole.

2) Returning a huge serve -- Andy Roddick can serve over 150 miles per hour. Meaning you have .35 seconds to react to the ball while it travels the distance of the tennis court. He can put the ball in either corner of the service box. Meaning by the time it reaches the baseline, it could be anywhere in a 17 foot range. Rob's wingspan only covers about half of that. All of that is completely disregarding any spin on the ball which could increase that range even further. Of course, if you do manage to react in .35 seconds or less, chances are your reaction involved turning around and/or cupping your family jewels to protect them. If you are good enough (or stupid enough), you can try to go for the ball, but is it worth it? After all, you pretty much just have to guess where the ball will be, and then you have to return it over the net and in the court, probably setting him up for a 150+ mph overhead, where you can repeat the process over again. Joy.

1) Hitting A Baseball -- This has nothing to do with being able to hit a baseball. But you will probably waste a good ten minutes on this site. And Addy got a .01…just throwing it out there. Bet you can’t top it…Anyways, just consider in the time you are trying to click your mouse, a hitter has to recognize the pitch, decide if it is a ball or a strike, and swing. Oh yea and make contact, too. Fastballs, curveballs, sliders, change-ups. You might think baseball players are unathletic and well…sometimes that seems to be the case. But the hand-eye coordination needed is unbelievable and the bat speed required is just as remarkable. Hitting major league pitching is widely recognized as the hardest thing to do in sports and the best hitters in the world only get hits three out of ten times. So this is not just Addy influencing the ranking…promise.

That's all. Feel free to complain about how your sport isn't here by leaving a comment we may or may not read. Also, vote in our new poll. We are trying to break double digit votes. YES WE CAN!

Until next time..
Siskel and Ebert (and you're getting two thumbs up)

J.B. Throwdown

With nothing else to do with our time, we've decided to closely examine three famous protagonists and decide which one we would most want to sleep with. Or which one is the best. Jason Bourne, James Bond, and Jack Bauer have a lot more in common than just the initials J.B.. they're ruthless, rebellious, and good-looking. In an attempt to make this easier, we've compared them in different categories.

Fighting skills: Bourne hands down. While Bond has all the technology in the world to help him, and Bauer has help from CTU, Bourne works alone from the start and has nothing to aid him. He is an animal, and his moves are complete instinct. He also gets points for taking down numerous CIA agents, foreign police officers, and assassins. Bond comes in second for consistently destroying the henchmen of evil villains trying to take over the world. Plus he's MI-6 -- nice.
Verdict: 1. Bourne 2. Bond 3. Bauer

Suave/Charm/Girls: No contest here. If you lined up all of Bond's one night stands you'd have an array of the hottest women from every country in the world, almost. That girl from Casino Royale alone puts him at the top of the list. His tendency to end up with the bad girls is a big plus, and his one liners usually make our hearts melt for him.. Bauer's female situation is a little complicated because he happened to cheat on his wife with the woman who ended up killing his wife. No big deal. He's charming enough, and probably gives Chloe a warm fuzzy feeling inside every time he screams "Damnit Chloe!" over his cell phone. Bourne would probably be ahead of Bauer if he was given more time, but as it is he got the European girl and thats about it.
Verdict: 1. Bond 2. Bauer 3. Bourne

Relative Size of Male Genitalia: Bauer takes the prize here. He routinely breaks CTU protocol, goes way over the line when it comes to extracting information from terrorists and villains, and is ballsy enough to do things like kill 8 guys with his bare hands, alone (season six), or plan a year long covert operation behind the president's back (season 3). Bourne comes in second for taking on the entire CIA by his own amnesiac self. He also is confident enough to attack people with rolled-up magazines, pens, and even a mouthful of vodka.
Verdict: 1. Bauer 2. Bourne 3. Bond

Physical Attractiveness: Whatever studliness that Sean Connery and Daniel Craig bring to the table is brought down by the likes of Roger Moore and Timothy Dalton. Matt Damon is attractive enough that he doesn't look repulsive next to Brad Pitt and George Clooney in the Ocean series, which makes him the clear winner here.
Verdict: 1. Bourne 2. Bond 3. Bauer

Significance: Bond wins again here. He's routinely stopped people from blowing up things, smuggling drugs and diamonds, starting wars, stealing important technology, and of course taking over the world completely. A line about this is what happens when there have been 21 movies made about you. Bauer comes in second for his heroics on American soil, stopping nuclear bombs, a presidential assassination, and bioterrorism. Bourne is a spy and assassin, but he is never really given the chance to save the world from something huge.
Verdict: 1. Bond 2. Bauer 3. Bourne

Best show/series- Bond…James Bond. Shaken not stirred. The ridiculous gadgets that Q comes up with. The continual stream of imaginative villains. The girls. The cars. The girls. Sean Connery. The cars. Some of the Bond movies are better than others but there are more than a few classics in the bunch. Daniel Craig was great in Casino Royale and ensures the series continued success. Bond is legendary, and deservedly so, and while the Bourne trilogy is extremely well put together and entertaining, it cannot compete with the overall scope and quality of the twenty-one Bond movies (soon to be twenty-two, holla atcha Quantum of Solace). 24 comes in a relatively distant third in this category because of the inconsistency between seasons.
Verdict: 1. Bond 2. Bourne 3. Bauer

Personal Choice: Maybe the most important category on this post, because obviously we've come to the point where we think our opinions outweigh anything else in this world. We are actually in agreement here, with Bourne coming in first, followed by Bond and Bauer. Bourne gets our vote because his fighting ability is off the charts. His repeated destruction of everyone in his way is all the more impressive because he generally uses his bare hands to do it. Unlike Bond, who gets to use pens that can hold cameras, bombs, and Ruben Studdard, Bourne simply takes a cheap pen and stabs a guy repeatedly with it. Instead of an invisible car, Bourne beats up a guy with a rolled-up magazine. Bauer finishes behind Bond for his tendency to go emo at the end of seasons, breaking down into tears when he should be killing someone instead. That our choices reflect the same order as the "Attractiveness" category is complete coincidence.....
Verdict: 1. Bourne 2. Bond 3. Bauer.. times two

Winner: Bourne finishes with 14 points, Bond finishes with 14 points, and Bauer finishes with 20. Lower the better. Since we both picked Bourne as our favorite, that breaks the tie. Yes, we are aware that our personal opinion basically just overrode any attempt at subjective comparison of the three, but really, what we think is more or less fact..

Until next time..
The Dark Knight and the Joker

A Day in the Life of...Addy Holmes!

Sorry for those expecting/hoping for Rob. But don’t get too down because who wouldn’t want to know exactly what is going on in my exhilarating, up-and-down, side-to-side, loop-de-loop, roller coaster ride of a life??!! The only possible answer is God. And that is not a fair question because he is always working that omniscient angle. Showoff. The rest of you mere mortals should be drooling in anticipation over what lies ahead in the rest of this post. Hopefully you aren’t drooling because you have already fallen asleep due to the sheer boredom of a post about my life.

July 17, 2008- “A Date Which Will Live In Infamy…but only when addressing the immediate friends and family of Addy Holmes, and only when they are reminded of what they did while extremely bored at work that day, and only if they happened to read the blog by accidentally clicking the link in Addy’s away message thinking it was some sort erotica (creeps), and still only then if they stumbled through the most recent post thinking it would be entertaining”

12:00-1:00… Whose Line Is It Anyway? No, that wasn’t another rhetorical question intended to engage the reader. You are a bunch of silly geese for thinking such ridiculous thoughts. Yeah that’s right…you poop everywhere and viciously attack humans infringing on your territory in order to protect your young but still like to dress up as ducks for a laugh. Silly geese. I was only referring to the improv show that airs on ABC Family from midnight to one a.m most weeknights. I have seen both episodes before. I am unfazed and still laugh because it is hilarious and because I don’t remember any of the specific jokes. If I was as clever as Wayne Brady, Colin Mochrie, or Ryan Stiles…well…we probably wouldn’t be friends. Sorry. I would have bitches and a posse. And you don’t find those things in the suburbs of Montgomery County…well at least not the posse. Instead I’m only as clever as Drew Carey and I apparently don't have his luck considering he somehow wound up as a successful host/actor/fat man from Cleveland.

1:00-1:30… I decide to write a blog on my day. If you notice the timestamp for this activity you can’t help but wonder how this possibly took half an hour. Well…sometimes my mind works particularly slowly. And I had to take a fifteen minute personal break after realizing there was no ice cream in the freezer. Devastating. I only hope I can get through the rest of the day after this early setback but it will certainly be a challenge unlike any other I have ever faced…

1:30-2:30…Bed. I contemplate deep issues like the meaning of life, where in the world is Carmen San Diego, and who put the bomp in the bomp bah bomp bah bomp. The last is particularly tricky. I thought I had figured it out but that led me right into the question of who put the dip in the dip da dip da dip. It was a tough night.

2:30-9:00…Sleep. I don’t remember my dreams. Nor would you care about them if I did unless you were in them. And you wouldn’t have been in them because you just aren’t that important to me.

9:00-9:30…Brush teeth. Eat breakfast. Shower. Yes, I shower. Dress myself. Yes, I dress myself. Thanks for noticing.

9:30- 11:15…Go to good old Doctor Filner. I don’t use the word “old” endearingly…he is actually quite elderly and looks like Santa Clause. A fatter version of Santa Clause. This visit helps my head some and it hurts less than at any point in the past eleven months. Good old Doctor Filner (that was endearingly).

11:15-12:15…I take advantage of my newfound good health to go shoot around in the backyard. There is a wasp hanging around the hoop. I ask how school is going at their small, Northeastern, liberal arts college and if they get to play much squash or are they too busy with the sailing club. After receiving no response, I realize that I got confused and this was a different type of wasp. An easy mistake but one I probably should not have made considering I had sprayed two of its’ brethren a couple days past. This was only after they had stung me and left my ring finger and forearm puffy, swollen, and quite disturbing. A confrontation ensues and the wasp flies away. That’s right, top of the food chain right here. Bitch. I finally get to actually playing a bit of basketball but soon see my reflection in the window and realize I’m still a 5’11 white guy. Pretending to sink the game-winning shot of the NBA Finals all of a sudden becomes much less exciting and I soon go inside.

12:15-4:00…I have no idea what happened during this time. I forgot I was supposed to keep track of what was going on during the day. Obviously I did nothing productive and may have fallen asleep at some point. Or not. It is hard to tell sometimes.

4:00-4:45…I continuing reading Lord of the Flies. Somehow I had not read it yet but I’m more than halfway through and it is pretty good. I read a lot. Good for me. If you have any book suggestions, please tell me.

4:45-5:30…SURPRISE! My old little league baseball coach stops by with his adopted Chinese daughter. It’s funny because he and his wife are white. Get it? My mom kept trying to get the girl to play with her and all my sister did was giggle for forty-five minutes. Basically I want to have the same effect on women as this small, Asian baby…and I use that description because I have already forgotten her name. And it’s not even a ridiculously complex Chinese name that the girl will one day eschew so she can go by something arbitrarily American like Susan. Even though her given name is something like Jinglei Xu. The Chinese clearly just have something against substitute teachers and try to make things as difficult as possible for them.

5:30-6:30…This time I definitely doze off briefly and awake to a headache almost as bad as normal. I try to ignore this by wildly speculating on how I would fare on the Lost island. In the end I decide the smoke monster probably would have gotten to me and I would have been dead by the end of the third season.

6:30-8:30…The epic summer series of tennis matches between Addy Holmes and Rob Sukumar continues. Rob wins in a thrilling third set for his second win of the summer, matching Addy’s total and setting up a furious summer finish. It is Ali-Frazier, Yankees-Red Sox, Lakers-Celtics, and Dean-Jess (Gilmore Girls reference for the ladies) all rolled into one. The man playing on the next court asked if we played tennis in college. We get concerned that he drove his son home from the park considering he may, in fact, be partially blind or mentally handicapped. Our only hope is that he assumed normal college kids would rather be doing something else while it was still ninety degrees outside and thus we were dedicated college players. Personally, I’m honored that he even realized I was out of high school.

8:30-8:45…I wait to stop sweating. I sweat profusely.

8:45-9:15…Dinner and dessert. My sister used a couple of her boyfriend’s grandmother’s recipes to make dessert. You know what that means…they can never break up. Why? Because one of the recipes was fantastic and if for any reason my sister can’t bring herself to bake them in the future because she associates them with an ex-boyfriend...well I will be feel wronged and a bit deprived.

9:15-10:00…Music and crosswords. USA Today and The Washington Post. Billy Joel and The Beatles. The internet is a beautiful thing.

10:00-10:30…Shower again. Search for my GameBoy so I can play Pokemon while waiting in line for Dark Knight. I found my GameBoy but Pokemon was nowhere to be found. A travesty if there ever was one. Excluding like…the Holocaust and centuries of slavery and stuff. And Michael Jordan playing two years of minor league baseball in the middle of his basketball playing prime. But other than those few events, it is right up there.

10:30-2:30…Dark Knight. Holla.

…Clearly I did not have any real ideas for entries. Maybe next time. Please vote in the poll.

Until Next Time,

Pimp A

What would we do if we were girls for a week?

Brad Pitt.

....seriously. And any other guy out there who says differently is a liar. If they got their hands on a batch of polyjuice potion that allowed for a week's worth of feminine fun they would not rest until Brad was in the bag. Obviously this entire concept is grounded in reason and realism. Regardless, once we are our sultry, sensational, sexy female selves we will immediately hop on a plane to Los Angeles and make our way to Brangelina. Since there is no way Angie doesn't swing both ways (the chick is crazy) and as women we probably would have a better chance with her than as men (our game is almost that good but not quite), we will be including her in our...adventures. We would rely on Rob's ethnic charms and the fact that men are already attracted to Addy as he is. Now just add boobs and......well the story obviously ends with things getting hot and heavy. Rob winds up with a bunch of scratches down his back and a portion of his ear missing. Was it Brad, Angie, or Addy? It is hard to say given how things got so mixed up and all but i guess we'll give Rob the benefit of the doubt...

Once Brangelina kicks us out the next morning without giving us a phone number or cooking us breakfast, we will proceed directly to the nearest bar. It may be ten in the morning but we will start early on the main activity on the agenda of the next couple days...convincing guys we are interested in them so they buy us drinks, after which we will never speak to them again because really now...they aren't Brad Pitt. Plus guys are complete tools and they deserve it. Women Are Equal Members of Our Society!!! ...or something like that. Anyways, those drinks we ordered would clearly be appletini's, heavy on the apple, since there is no better opportunity to honor Doctor John Dorien (and they are delicious). During this period we will be wearing as much pink and purple as possible (including ribbons for our hair) because this will be the one week when our sexual orientation isn't questioned no matter what colors we wear. Our wardrobe will include skirts because we find the breeze and complete freedom very refreshing and aren't nearly cool enough to walk around our campuses in kilts. If only we knew how to play the bagpipes...

This will bring us to the the last couple days of our week. We will spend most of this time taking advantage of the fairer sex...not in that way you dirty dirty readers...but in the sporting arena. We will try out for the L.A. Sparks of the WNBA and make the team easily because everyone knows women can't play basketball. While there we will find kindred spirits in Candace Parker and Lisa Leslie, both of whom, despite their looks, clearly are men as well given their aptitude on the basketball court and their dunking ability. Addy will record 27 points, 21 assists, and 8 steals in that weekend's game while Rob will post a line of 12 points, 26 rebounds, and a WNBA-record of 16 blocked shots. (insert lanky joke here). We will not be satisfied dominating only one group of female athletes during our foray into the world of women's sports so we will also plan a doubles match with the Williams sisters. This will represent more of a challenge than the WNBA because women's tennis is almost a real sport and the Williams sisters are almost men. Still, all of the Williams sisters' grunting does not help them. And to compound their woes they lose to us in the match afterwards in straight sets...

Please don't take offense to any of this. Rob even believes women should have equal rights with men and that enfranchising them a hundred years ago was a good idea. And everyone knows to ignore Addy in the first place...

Until Next Time,
Rohita and...well...Addy

Top Ten Characters on TV

Welcome back. And here you were thinking we might have forgotten about our loyal and dedicated readers who have flooded us with requests to continue blogging and who write all sorts of comments after our entertaining and inspiring posts... Well we remember and now have returned to the blogosphere alive and relatively well. Good times all around. Here is a list (everyone likes lists) about the top characters on television today. And there are rules for this list! We can only include one character per show and the show must be currently in production with new episodes on the way (so no one from M.A.S.H. or The Brady Bunch or Seinfeld or any of the other shows that would not have been good enough to make this list in the first place.)

2) Clark Kent (Tom Welling) Smallville- We don't watch this show. This is actually the rare occasion where we have not succumbed to the irresistible tendencies of teenage girls. But one of our dear friends who may or may not be a contributor to this blog may or may not have watched all seven seasons in two or three weeks. Apparently he is quite the fan and so we figured Clark deserves a place on this list. He has superpowers and a variety of attractive women all over him so i guess he's got a little bit going for him. But we all know the real reason he is on this list is that no one can say no to Tom Welling's piercing green eyes...nicely contrasted with his dark brown hair...and that body...mmm mmm good...Campbell's soup has got nothing on Clark Kent.

13,401) Dwight K. Schrute (Rainn Wilson) The Office- Bears, Beets, and Assistant (to the) Regional Manager at everyone's favorite paper supply company. While many would fall instantly for Jim Halpert's dreamy smile, we choose to drool over Dwight's carefully parted hair. Fiercely loyal to Michael, hardworking, a stickler for the rules, and attracted to Angela, he is everything we are not. Dwight also earns our sympathy for being the victim of Jim's genius pranks, most notably when he was forced to buy his own stuff out of a vending machine with a bag full of nickels. Props also go to Andy Bernard, Cornell graduate and singer extraordinaire (Take a chance on me.. that's for you Nick) who is Dwight's rival in all things The Office.

12) The Janitor (Neil Flynn) Scrubs- No disrespect to Dr. Cox, who gets our respect for his ever-present sarcasm and his ability to think of new female names for J.D. over the course of seven long seasons of Scrubs, but he is too much like Dr. House to put him on the list. Instead, J.D.'s sworn enemy, the Janitor, is the choice here. The Janitor's ability to outsmart J.D., Dr. Kelso, and even Dr. Cox repeatedly gets our admiration, and his meetings with the brain trust of hospital idiots are always hilarious. Somehow, he manages to push everyone's buttons enough that they treat him as a formidable opponent, even though he's just a janitor. This is an ability Ted the lawyer could benefit greatly from. His fascination with stuffing dead animals also seems to be a plus.

3.14159..) Liz Lemon (Tina Fey) 30 Rock- Is this to satisfy our female readers because the rest of the list is comprised entirely of male characters? Perhaps. Are we sucking up to you girls because we just really want you to laugh at our jokes? Maybe...maybe not. Do we really need that ego boost? Definitely not. Will we ever stop asking questions and focus on Liz Lemon? Only briefly. We feel terrible about leaving Tracy Morgan off this list because everyone loves the stereotypical crazy black man but we can't resist Tina Fey's odd charm and we only wish all of you girls out there were as funny as her. If you haven't seen 30 Rock, go watch it on NBC...Addy likes it more than The Office.

i) Ben Linus (Michael Emerson) Lost- Is he a villain? Is he just trying to do what he can to protect himself, his people, and the island? A lot of things remain unresolved about Ben but we are definitely looking forward to getting some more answers about him...any answers in general would be great actually. Just because Lost keeps introducing crazier plot lines doesn't mean we have forgotten about all the half-answered things that accumulated in the first three seasons. But since we watched all of those episodes in a very short amount of time some of the characters began to annoy us a little (that means you Jack and Kate). Or we may have just gone stir crazy, it was hard to tell at that point. We do know that we have had some crazy dreams about polar bears, time travel, bizarre experiments, and smoke monsters. Yeah...anyways Ben has consistently entertained and it's always refreshing to see bad guys/maybe bad guys/sort of bad guys/good guys who sometimes appear to be bad guys/etc. who are smart and completely able and competent. He has an underrated sense of humor and continually delivers some of the best lines of the show. Apologies here to Desmond Hume, who might have gotten this spot if he had a bigger role.

e) Omar Little (Michael Williams) The Wire- In honor of our homosexual tendencies, we've given a spot to a gay guy on this list. Also, he is black, which gives him even more in common with us. His place on the list may also be due to the fact that he is the most feared man in the streets of West Baltimore, stealing huge amounts of cocaine and cash from the biggest gangs and giving them away for free. Like Robin Hood. With guns and a huge scar across his face. Despite many near-death experiences, Omar continually comes back to haunt the gangs that rule Baltimore, mostly because they kill his friends and family in an attempt to get revenge for his thefts. Even with all the crimes, he makes a point of never harming civilians or swearing, and his friendship with the main cop characters make him one of the most double-edged characters on television. And yes we know The Wire is no longer airing but we felt it necessary to make an exception. Get over it.

0) Greg House (Hugh Laurie) House- Maybe the smartest character on television. Every week, he gives us justification for being jerks as long as we are (way) smarter than the people we are jerks to. Often unethical and extremely harsh, he will go to whatever lengths necessary to diagnose a patient. Not because he cares remotely about the patient or their survival, but because his ego needs to know he can solve any mystery. It's hard to decide whether I would want him to go out with Dr. Cuddy, Dr. Cameron, or even swing the other way and be with Wilson forever, but I'm leaning towards the latter.

666) Charlie (Charlie Day) It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia-A fantastically offensive show. And Charlie is the dyslexic, lovable loser who throws tantrums like a two year old and was "molested" by his gym teacher. And since J-Kwon and It's Always Sunny are an incredible combination we will use a clip instead of our words... http://youtube.com/watch?v=CQ8CezJVb9U. In this episode the gang allows underage drinking in their bar and eventually winds up going to the high school prom...something we hope to emulate when we form our own bar one day...hopefully we have our own tv show by then as well.

∞)Ari Gold (Jeremy Piven) Entourage- Vince's high-powered superagent may be the funniest character ever. Racist, sexist, sarcastic, and angry, he employs many of the characteristics we desire in a human being. Everyone in Hollywood loves him or hates him, including his wife and daughter. Regardless, he is ridiculously successful and loyal to his clients. Ari's funniest moments are vulgarity-laced outbursts, such as the one below, courtesy of youtube and copyright infringement. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uyXeClFPNfA&feature=related

69) Homer Simpson (Dan Castellaneta) The Simpsons- Homer earns the unofficial lifetime achievement award for his twenty years of loyal service. He may be ten years past his prime but the fact that The Simpsons is still enjoyable says a lot about...well about how stupid Homer really is and how much trouble he can cause. But we love him for that and we will keep searching for the "ANY" key since we have to push that to continue...mmm powdered blowholes (that is for you Nick).

Honorable Mention) We did not include anyone from South Park or Family Guy but any number of characters from those shows could have made this list. And Jack Bauer's name does not appear because we still hold him responsible for the most recent season of 24. We are actually holding him right now in Addy's cellar demanding a better season this winter. That's right...Jack Bauer is our bitch. And also because no one makes top thirteen lists. It is an unlucky number and cumbersome besides.

Now I know what you are thinking... "Are Rob and Addy the coolest people we know?" And our answer is I hope not that would be a terribly depressing statement about your life. But you are also probably wondering why we were too lazy to actually order our top ten characters. That we might have tried to pull a fast one by assigning each an arbitrary number. You are clearly too smart for us and next time we'll remember that we can't get anything by you. But this time we apologize for our obvious lack of effort and we hope you can move past that and accept us for who we are. You should be thrilled we posted at all. Until next time...
Chandler and Kumar

NBA Finals Game Four- Live Blog

Welcome back boys and girls. Despite the underwhelming response to my previous post, I am blogging an NBA Finals game again. This time it is Game Four in Los Angeles with the Celtics leading the series 2-1. Really this is just for my own personal enjoyment and a way for Nick to feel like he watched the game with me even though he is in the woods. For anyone into gambling...I am taking bets on whether or not Lamar Odom is actually alive. The odds are 3:1.

First Quarter

11:49- Odom scores the first bucket of the game. He clearly was motivated by my thinly veiled criticism. You’re welcome Lakers fans.

10:03- Rob reveals he would rather go to Jimmie Cone and get ice cream in Damascus than watch the game. It is a good thing he is in North Carolina so I don’t have to kill him.

8:31- All of you who bet that Lamar Odom is in fact still alive…congratulations. Three early buckets for LO and the Lakers jump out to an early lead.

7:45- Pau does not look at the basket despite having Perkins one-on-one ten feet from the hoop. He should stop taking lessons from KG…

Commercial- Heath Ledger looks fantastic in the Dark Knight previews. It is too bad he killed himself. I also really enjoy 10 Things I Hate About You. Seriously.

5:01- The refs try not to make their home team bias too obvious by calling the Lakers for three quick fouls in 30 seconds.

4:15- L.A. is on fire offensively and is playing swarming defense. Just serves as a reminder to everyone that the Lakers have the highest ceiling in the league. The only issue is getting everyone not named Kobe to contribute every night and be consistent.

3:46- 24-7 as Odom hits another jumper and is definitely the best player on the floor. Armageddon may be upon us.

Commercial- If you are a black superhero and not a white guy signing the Declaration of Independence your name shouldn’t be Hancock…

3:10- Chill out Lamar…13 points 5 rebounds 2 assists in 9 minutes.

2:08- The Celtics reach double digits and have finally exceeded the Red Sox run total from this afternoon against the Orioles (nine runs).

End- The Lakers lead after the first quarter 35-14 and that 21 point difference is the largest after the first quarter in NBA Finals history.

Commercial- If Hellboy was a real superhero he wouldn’t need a gun.

Second Quarter

11:07- Trevor Ariza blatantly pushes Posey in the back going for a rebound and no foul is called. It is great to play in L.A.

10:32- Powe tries a move better suited for an And1 mix tape. You are not Hot Sauce, Leon…

Commercial- Dwyane Wade does his T-Mobile thang…Remember when he was good at basketball and stuff?

8:04- Jeff Van Gundy calls Hitch a fantastic movie and that Kevin James is the funniest man alive. Yep.

7:04- Sam “E.T.” Cassell fouls Kobe to prevent a 2v1 for the Lakers. I think there should be advantage in basketball similar to soccer in that the ref can ignore a foul if the fouled team has an advantage…but fortunately there isn’t as Sasha hits a three and makes it 45-21.

4:38- Kobe is now 0-3. I don’t care about the six assists…I want points Kobe.

Commercial- Remember when beer commercials were funny? Those days were even before when Dwyane Wade was good at basketball.

3:27- The Celtics are back within 14. Derek Fisher throws it to the cameraman behind the basket. Paul Pierce hits a jumper. 45-33. I hate life.

2:33- Odom travels. Fortunately switching pivot feet is allowed in the NBA and later Fisher gets a lay-up despite the foul.

Commercial- I’m fairly certain Canon ripped off Bo Burnham’s tune for “My Whole Family Thinks I’m Gay” in their new commercial…will someone please verify this?

2:36- Doc Rivers had his voice just crack. If I had HD I’m sure I’d see his emerging acne too…

End- The Elvin Jew comes in with five seconds last and proceeds to hit a last second shot. 58-40 at halftime. I won’t feel comfortable until the fourth quarter even with an eighteen-point lead.

Halftime Highlights- Tiger Woods will go down as one of the best five athletes ever and rival Jordan, Ali, and Ruth for the number one spot. Even if you think golf is boring…please watch and try to appreciate Tiger. He is phenomenal.

Channel Surfing- Austin Powers is on TBS. Mike Myers was last funny about when beer commercials were funny.

Austin Powers- Beyonce is hot. Even with an Afro. And even being black. You go Jay-Z. I’m not racist.

Channel Surfing- I thoroughly enjoy South Park if only for their general principle of unabashedly making fun of everyone and everything. It is too bad my mom didn’t let me watch it for most of my life.

Adventures- Breyers’ Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough ice cream…fantastic.

Third Quarter

10:55- Kobe hits his first field goal of the game.

10:25- Gasol gets a lot of credit for being a really good shooter and having a soft touch. If he is such a good shooter I feel like he should be able to shoot better than me from fifteen feet. And I don’t think that is the case.

9:50- KG abuses Gasol. Gasol’s defense gives the impression that he thinks he is a matador and KG is the bull…(Gasol is from Spain everyone…so laugh)

Random Thought- Lamar Odom is easily the third best player on an NBA finalist. He cannot dribble with his right hand and I have a better jump shot than him. This line of reasoning always ends with me wishing I was an athletic, lanky, 6’11 black guy.

7:00- Jack Nicholson is shown wearing his customary sunglasses. New Life Goal: Be cool enough to wear sunglasses indoors (and I mean actually cool enough…not just wear them in spite of looking ridiculous like Ben).

5:25- For anyone who cares, the Lakers are winning 70-55.

5:00- Paul Pierce blocks Kobe’s fadeaway jumper…I have no idea if I’ve ever seen that before. Remarkable. Also, Kobe’s shot has not looked good at all tonight.

3:05- Kobe could not be more wide open. Instead Derek Fisher throws the ball at Lamar Odom’s feet and Ray Allen gets a lay-up on the other end. The Celtics are now within 11 and I am very nervous…

0:41- And the Celtics are within four. I might have a heart attack.

End- That could have gone worse. But I’ll probably need the entire commercial break to think how that would have had to play out. I think the Lakers bench would have to have been hit by machine gun fire. The Lakers are winning 73-71 after three quarters. Kobe looks terrible and that hurts me quite a bit inside. I should take sports less seriously.

Fourth Quarter

12:00- Phil Jackson calls momentum a funny girl. I’d probably date momentum under the right circumstances.

11:00- Kobe takes a contested shot with his foot on the three point line and doesn’t come close. He is my favorite player and the best player in the world…and half the time I want to kill him. And please stop comparing his career to Jordan’s. It isn’t fair to either of them. He is Jordanesque…but you don’t see Kobe doing voiceovers to Nike commercials that give you goosebumps even if it the twentieth time you’ve seen it.

10:25- Sasha Vujacic scissor trips Ray Allen. Europe is a funny place.

10:11- Tie game.

9:55- Bad shot from Kobe. He is 2-12. If there is a fifty percent chance your best player will shoot your team out of Game Four of the NBA Finals…well that is just a bad sign.

9:32- Great move from Kobe. He is toying with my emotions.

7:25- Kobe makes one and misses one. I guess that is an improvement.

6:50- Ronny Turiaf takes a jump shot in the fourth quarter of a tie game in the finals. Really…I’m not making that up. He missed. Shocking.

5:02- Posey hits a three. Kobe makes one and barely hits the backboard on his following bankshot. Can you tell I am frustrated?

4:06- First lead of the game for the Celtics. The Lakers respond by throwing the ball to Ray Allen. Probably not a good decision.

2:10- Celtics up five.

End- I don’t want to talk about it. I apologize for anything mean I might say to you in the next three days in advance.