Olympic Breakdown Part II: The Countries

Warning: These Olympic posts are extremely long. That's what she said. Read them anyway.

While Addy is reasonably good at sports (and therefore covering the Olympics on a sport-by-sport breakdown), my ethnic background clearly gives me the credentials to comment on many of the countries participating in this show of world unity. Since there are 205 countries participating and I have no intention on ever writing about a country like Lesotho, I will pick about 50 notable ones to write about using my signature mindblowing insight. Here we go..

Afghanistan -- "AIDS is not funny. Believe me, I've tried"
Bhutan -- Props for having a hilarious flag. I'm pretty sure that's a Gyarados.
British Virgin Islands -- An incredibly bold move, trying to pass off as a real country at the Olympics. We know the truth.
Canada -- They have a stronger dollar than us. But its a moot point once you realize that the French somehow convinced half the country to speak their language.
Chad -- Given its location, "DeShawn" would be a more appropriate name for this country.
China -- The host country. Should beat the United States in terms of gold medals. No wonder companies like Nike and Walmart are moving their factories over there.
Djibouti -- That's what she said.
El Salvador -- The Savior. Really? Jesus is his own country. Take that Muhammad, Buddha, and other religious figures. Go Christianity.
France -- Napoleon's parents used incredible foresight when naming their child. The guy had a ridiculous Napoleonic complex. No one in France has ever won anything since he took over the world. Also, I just saw France lose the best 4x100 men's relay ever.
Georgia -- In the process of being destroyed by Russia. They will almost assuredly fall from their preseason #1 ranking with this defeat.
Ghana -- "What? You are ranked #135 on the Human Development Index? You're a Ghana"
Great Britain -- GB also stands for Green Bay. Great Britain is "Great" because they don't worship Brett Favre or wear cheese on their heads.
Haiti -- Evil cousin of Chicago Bears coach Lovie Smith.
Hungary -- Contrary to popular belief, this country was not founded by a starving person. It was actually founded by a guy named Gary who had a huge penis.
India -- Yeah, land of my ancestors. Also had one silver medal at the 2004 Athens games. One silver medal for 1 billion people. Using simple math, we can deduce that 6 total medals were given out at the last Olympics. So two events. One was probably cricket.
Iran -- "I ran, because the United States is about to bomb the crap out of me."
Iraq -- "I rock, because the United States bombed the crap out of me and I'm still sending athletes to the Olympics. Screw them."
Japan -- Their flag might be better suited for India.
Kenya -- The other half of Barack Obama's campaign motto. "Yes we ken!"
The Koreas -- One of them is our friend, the other is planning to blow up the world. Kind of creates a cute "the ying and the yang" situation. Ha, asians are funny.
Kyrgystan -- Clearly went overboard with the idea that the letter Y is a vowel. Probably the retard of the stan family.
Lesotho -- OK Lesotho, you win. Here is your one line of fame.
Liberia -- Means "Land of the Free." Still looking for the home of the brave.
Mexico -- You know that joke that says Mexico doesn't have an Olympic team because all the Mexicans who can run, jump, or swim are over the border? Yeah.. it's true.
Nic "lane" aragua -- Yeah, that was the joke. I have nothing else to say about this country.
Niger -- Wow, OK, that is incredibly offensive.
Norway -- "NorWAY we win any medals during this year's Olympics!"
Oman -- Far more athletic, far less emotional than the fictional African country of Owoman.
Palau -- "What? They named a country after Gasol?! He's not even the best player on our team! He gets a country and I get a freaking steak," said an incensed Kobe Bryant before collecting his MVP award.
Palestine -- Pretty much the same as Israel, except we're supposed to hate them.
Poland -- Somehow managed to not be taken over by Russia or Germany long enough to put together an Olympic team.
Russia -- At war with Georgia, because of Michael Vick's animal rights' violations.
San Marino -- Seriously, the 'S' and 'D' keys are right next to each other. This country was so close to being named Dan Marino. Which means they'd be cursed to not win anything ever.
Saudi Arabia -- Arabian nights, like Arabian days, more often than not, hotter than hot. Thank you, Aladdin, for the lyrics. Because otherwise I would have said something stupidly offensive.
South Africa -- Probably the only African country that will ever have a chance at winning a medal in swimming, and never have a chance at winning a medal in basketball.
Spain -- Reigning international basketball champions and EuroCup 2008 champions. Also home to Rafael Nadal. Props for being good at real sports, but c'mon, to be in the Olympic spirit you need to contend in the world of obscurity known as badminton and synchronized swimming.
Sudan -- If the U.S. media handed out medals for "Important stories we can ignore so we can shove Paris Hilton down your throat," the Darfur crisis might take gold. There is no sport remotely close to that in the Olympics. So no medals for Sudan.
Switzerland -- They make knives, which they probably used to cut off their manlihood. And that is why they remain neutral in every conflict.
Thailand -- Their capital is Bangkok. And no, that never gets old.
Togo -- Official country of McDonald's. "I'll have a burger and fries." "Is that Togo?"
Turkey -- If anyone has a non-Thanksgiving joke about Turkey, feel free to contribute.
United States -- We are better than everyone because we won the "World Series." Also we have the "World Champion New York Giants" and "World Champion Boston Celtics" and "World Champion Whoever Won the NHL Title this Year."
US Virgin Islands -- If they were to just have sex with the US Virgin Islands, both countries' problems would be solved. I am a foreign affairs genius.

Well there you go.. you are now the least globally aware person in your house.
I wish I were Michael Phelps. Until next time..

Misty May