The Los Angeles Lakers are playing the Boston Celtics in Game One of the NBA Finals tonight in a reprisal of the most storied rivalry in the history of the NBA. It’s kind of a big deal. Probably even bigger than Ron Burgundy. Sorry Anchorman. In fact it is such a big deal that I’ve decided to live-blog during the game and share my thoughts with all of America.
If you are a girl and don’t follow the NBA you will probably find this extremely boring. If you didn’t watch the game you will probably find this extremely boring. And if you did watch the game you will probably find this extremely uninformative seeing as how you saw it all already. Despite all of this I’m going to push forward and embark on what will surely be the longest post in the history of this blog…
Pregame
25 minutes until tipoff- For those of you that care and are interested in gambling I have the under at 192 and the Lakers +120 because I can’t bet against them. And for the series I have the Lakers in 7 and have very little confidence in that pick. I think it’s a toss-up and that Boston is being wrongly ignored by the media.
20 minutes until tipoff- I’m thrilled. I’m nervous. My stomach is queasy. Whether this is due to the half gallon of ice cream I just ate or my anticipation for the game I’m not sure. But my stomach is doing somersaults.
15 minutes until tipoff- James Taylor is singing the national anthem. He released a Greatest Hits album in 1976. That was 12 years before I was born. Just because this is an old rivalry and Lakers-Celtics has tradition doesn’t mean the NBA should have a 60 year old guy doing the anthem. I don’t care if he is a legend. Way to alienate the younger generation NBA…well done.
12 minutes until tipoff- Kevin Garnett is shown screaming on the Jumbotron in the middle of the Celtics highlight reel. I am legitimately terrified of the man. I am already less confident in the Lakers chances.
10 minute until tipoff- Doc Rivers (Celtics Coach) is shown holding his clipboard. It is blank. As is his expression. This helps remind me that the greatest coach of the last 40 years (Lakers coach Phil Jackson) is matching up against Doc Rivers. I am definitely less nervous.
5 minutes until tipoff- Mike Breen (announcer) looks like he ran into an angry Kevin Garnett in a back alley. He has a swollen eye, a band-aid above his eyebrow, and some half grown-in facial hair that is probably hiding other scrapes and bruises. For once I am glad I don’t have HD (especially since Jeff Van Gundy is one of his partner).
1 minute until tipoff- Go Lakers…
1st Quarter
11:30- Pau Gasol hits a quick jumper. Ray Allen travels. LAKERS SWEEP! Woooo!
9:14- Lamar Odom hits a jumper to put Lakers up 6-2. Every time that shot goes in it surprises me. But maybe that’s just the pessimist in me. Or maybe it’s because he is a terrible shooter.
8:22- Boston is up 7-6. CELTICS SWEEP! And yes even though the first comment about the Lakers sweep was clearly a purposeful exaggeration for comedic effect I am already putting on the reverse-jinx.
7:15- The Space Cadet gets clubbed in the head on a three point attempt that winds up 5 feet short. Apparently that is not a foul in Boston.
6:15- Kobe has another contested jumper go in-and-out. It’s a good thing he clearly isn’t trying to take Ray Allen 1v1 too much to prove he’s a better player than the man formerly known as Jesus Shuttlesworth…
3:50- Mr. Shuttlesworth gets a couple buckets. Bad sign. At least Kobe made a shot. Here’s to small consolations. Celtics 19-14.
2:25- Jordan Farmar has got to be the best Elfish-looking, Jewish player ever to play point guard in the NBA. I’m pretty confident in this.
End- The Celtics are up by 23-21. Ray Allen may have decided he’s a good player again. Other than that I’m pleased.
Second Quarter
10:00- Ronny Turiaf takes two shots in a row. Probably not the offense Phil Jackson has in mind. But do you want to tell Ronny he shouldn’t shoot? He’s so excited all the time he’s basically like the energetic family dog…he’s irrepressible and impossible to be mad at for more than three and a half seconds.
9:40- Sam Cassell takes his second jumper in a row. The Sports Guy probably just had a heart attack. Cassell may or may not know those other players in white on the court are on his team but he’s hit both his shots so I guess Doc is okay with that offense.
Commercial- I bet a lot of kids grow up wishing they could be Hellboy. Batman and Superman are just way too cliché…
9:00- They are playing the music from “Angels in the Outfield” over a Kobe Bryant interview. “Angels in the Outfield” was one of the movies of my childhood. I have goosebumps. “It could happen.” They just showed Kobe’s statline…2-8 from the floor. The goosebumps are gone.
8:40- Turiaf commits a foul 30 feet from the basket. I am less than enthused. I consider taking back the family dog comparison.
8:20- Cassell and Fisher trade jumpers. Cassell definitely doesn’t know he is playing with those other guys out there. Nor does he know he is a washed-up 38 year-old. Someone should probably let him know that ASAP. Boston 31-29.
7:10- Kobe Bryant is much better than you at basketball. I am pretty confident in this.
6:45- Hey there! Did you know Kevin Garnett, Paul Pierce, and Ray Allen haven’t been to the Finals before? No, really! It’s true!
6:25- Pau Gasol is shown to cleanly block Garnett’s shot and gets called for a foul. I don’t take it too personally because Dick Bavetta made the call and he’s even older than James Taylor. He probably has to take four bathroom breaks a game and may be convinced he is still officiating the 1984 final between the Lakers and Celtics.
Commercial- In the Zohan commercial I laugh every time at the “Was that your feet?” line. Also at the Baron Davis/Adam Sandler split screen. I will probably go see it. It will probably suck.
5:20- Kobe goes to the line. Noone is chanting M-V-P! How dare those Boston fan. Celtics 40-37.
3:40- Kobe and Gasol run the pick-and-roll successfully a couple times to get Gasol dunks and Odom puts in a lay-up. ABC shows it up in super slo-mo which is definitely, certainly, completely necessary.
Commercial- I guess Cuba Gooding Jr. got kicked off those Hanes commercials with MJ for being too creepy. Charlie Sheen fares slightly better.
2:55- Perkins has the ball at the top of the key. Odom is playing defense. He doggie-paddles in his face. Perkins does not score. Despite this success Odom probably will not be releasing a defensive instructional video any time soon.
2:50- The girl from Grey’s Anatomy is sitting in the stands. I hate that show if only because Addison is now one of the 10 most popular girls names in America.
1:40- Kobe makes an excellent pass. Mark Jackson talks about how Kobe Bryant would have certainly shot that ball last year instead of being unselfish and passing it up to Gasol. Van Gundy says that Gasol used to be Kwame Brown and that Kobe was making the right decisions both times. Touché Jeff, touché.
0:50- Fisher hits another jumper and has 13 points. Breen talks about how Derek Fisher plays big in big games. Apparently all three commentators have run out of original analysis in the last two minutes of the first half.
End- Lakers up 51-46 at halftime. I’d take a five point lead of halftime in Boston any day and that holds especially true in a game where Kobe has yet to get it going. It was nice of Paul Pierce to pick up his third foul midway through the second quarter and help put the Lakers in a better position for a little run to close the half.
Halftime
Commercial- The challenge the black guy in this commercial had to deal with was that he didn’t know how to swim. Hmmm….way to not use stereotypes United States Marine Corps.
Random Thought- Magic Johnson has HIV. Sucks.
Commercial- Magic and Larry Bird…split screen! Regardless of what happens down the stretch that will be the lasting image from this game. I’m already having nightmares.
Tennis- My mom switched the channel to the replay of the French Open from earlier today. Ana Ivanovic is nice to look at. She also is going to the French Open final and will be ranked number one in the world after the tournament. Give me a week and I could probably beat her. No no I’m just kidding girls…women are respectable athletes. I’ll definitely need a year.
Third Quarter
11:25- Lamar Odom took a 3. I have no words. I had thought Jackson had finally gotten through to him that he was a terrible three-point shooter. Apparently not.
11:15- Paul Pierce completes a four-point play. It was so very nice of him to make his way back onto the court for the second half. And so very nice of the Space Cadet to remember not to foul a jump shooter about to take a contested shot…yep. Celtics back on top 52-51.
11:00- Kobe is still better than you. Lakers up 1.
10:45- Pierce is also probably better than you. He has eight points in the first minute and a half of the second half. Celtics up 1 again.
9:45- The ongoing subplot of this second half is not whether Kobe will be able to take over the game and lead the Lakers to victory. It is whether the Space Cadet will be able to hit the ceiling with one of his jump shots. I put the odds at 3:1.
8:20- Here is some actual basketball analysis…Hubie Brown style. “Now if you are the Lakers you cannot be happy about the early fouls in this third quarter. You have the Celtics other than Paul Pierce struggling to get quality shots and you are about to put this team in the bonus with eight minutes left in the quarter. Now any time a Celtic can get into the painted area they can look to draw contact and get easy points at the line.”
8:00- Kobe pulled off a ridiculous move in which he dribbled between his legs, spun, probably traveled four times, and dished to Gasol for a lay-up. Lakers 60-58.
6:45- Perkins smacks Pierce in the face after a Kobe bucket and if this proves to be serious Perkins may be attacked by a deranged Boston fan after the game.
Commercial- How much do “Mac” and “PC” get paid for their appearances on the Apple commercials? I think that something like that is definitely my best chance to become almost rich and almost famous. Assuming this blog doesn’t go international that is…
6:35- Pierce is pulled off in a wheelchair. I hope he is alright. Seriously. I cheered once as a little kid when Emmitt Smith got hurt while he was playing for the Cowboys. My parents scolded me and were not convinced that because he was playing for the Cowboys I should cheer for his injury. I’m not sure if I accept the validity of their point but I have not done that since. Really, I have a soul.
5:30- Pierce thinks he is some sort of combination of Willis Reed and Muhammed Ali as he comes hopping out of the locker room like a boxer. The crowd is going wild and Pierce is relatively okay. (Note: Mark Jackson will say later that he looked like Ali but I had it down first. Holla.)
Commercial- Ben Stiller annoys me.
Commercial- There is a reality show coming to ABC later this month based on High School Musical. This annoys me much more than anything Ben Stiller could ever do.
5:05- Doc Rivers explains that overcoming adversity is the reason he uses a twelve-man rotation. I had been under the impression that it was because he didn’t really know what he was doing. I’m glad that has been cleared up for me.
3:05- Kobe throws down an alley-oop. I do some sort of bizarre white man dance in which I nearly throw out my shoulder. Lakers 69-68.
2:55- Rondo is shooting free throws. The Celtics have been living at the line for the past three minutes. This is what we call tooting your own horn. And a reminder to everyone out there that there are some brains underneath this beautiful, dazzling, completely sensational male form. Tied up at 69.
2:30- Kobe takes a terrible shot. I have no idea what he was thinking. Nothing but net. It’s good to have #24 on your team.
1:00- Pierce hits two treys. Frustrating.
End- Vujacic hits a ¾ court shot after the buzzer. I feel like this should count? Anybody? Go Sasha? Celtics 77-73. I don’t feel good about the game. I think Kobe will be good but not good enough down the stretch and the Celtics (Pierce) will hit some big shots.
Fourth Quarter
Commercial- Nothing gets me going quite like bad accents and a dancing Adam Sandler. I am definitely seeing Zohan and I don’t care what you think.
12:00- Doc Rivers says he was scared when Pierce went down with an injury and happy when he emerged from the locker room jumping up and down. Quite the range of emotions there Doc. You are a very complex man. The Lakers need to go on a run at the beginning of this quarter against the Celtics bench.
10:40- Kobe makes a great pass to LO for a lay-up. Some would say he took a terrible shot and didn’t come close to hitting the rim. I agree to disagree.
8:45-Posey hits a wide open three. Don’t really know what the plan on that one was. These comments will become increasingly bitter if the Lakers start falling apart. The Celtics have the biggest lead of the game at 86-78. The Lakers are clearly just waiting to make their run…
5:50- The Lakers have had the ball for almost a minute and the only progress made was a running Ronny Turiaf eight-footer that clanged off the back of the rim. But hey there was lots of ball movement! I’m thinking Kobe is probably coming back in now.
5:20- Celtics 88-82. I am stopping the blog now. This game needs my full and undivided attention. I am not hopeful.
End- Celtics 98-88. I apologize to those of you looking forward to angry, bitter comments during the last five minutes of the game. Maybe next time. If you are interested in my actual thoughts for the rest of the series…here you go:
Kobe Bryant has been the most talented basketball player on the planet for several years and for the past few months has put together a stretch of basketball that has been better than any stretch in the past ten years (since Jordan). Better than Shaq at his dominating peak, better than Duncan in his prime, better than Nash a couple years ago. He annihilated the Spurs and knocked the defending champs out in five games in the Western Conference Finals. If Kobe plays five of the next six games at that level against one of the best defenses in recent memory then the Lakers will win four of those games and win the championship. If he does not, Lamar Odom and Pau Gasol will not lead the Lakers to a title. Boston’s more consistent defense and home court advantage will prove to be the difference and they will win in 6 or 7. And despite that uncertainty…I’m sure Kobe would want it no other way.
