Top Ten Most Difficult Things To Do In Sports

Alternatively titled.. things we will never do in sports. The following is a list of the ten hardest things to do in sports, according to us.

10) Dunking -- You say millions of people have been able to dunk over the years and we say we can barely touch the net. You say basketball players can dunk from the free throw line and we say that we could not get to the rim with a trampoline. You say that half the black people on the streets can dunk and we say that you are racist…but also speaking truly about the general abilities of the previously referred to African-American population. Obviously dunking does not belong on this list…but for those of us who are 5’11 and have bad knees and well…yeah it’s just that…white men can’t jump.

9) Balance Beam -- We have no idea how this works. We cannot imagine the balance required to do anything other than walk across the beam without falling. So…yes we recognize the difficulty of gymnastics and are including the balance beam on our list. And now we can waste time watching videos like this in the name of research. Ouch..

8) Watching a NASCAR race -- Watching cars drive around a circle 200 times is easily one of the toughest things any educated human being can endure. But seriously, if NASCAR counted as a sport, driving a car 150 miles an hour for over 3 hours, bumper-to-bumper with other drivers without crashing once or dying would be up there among sports most difficult tasks. Temperatures in the car go over 100 degrees, and the forces on a driver's body are so strong that he would be fortunate to be able to move his head 6 inches in any direction. Their heart rates are at the level of a marathon runner. And unlike a lot of other sports, you don't get a break every few minutes to rest and relax. The fact that you are doing all this in the eyes of 100,000+ screaming inbreds makes the pressure and stress all the more unbearable.

7) Ironman Triathlon -- Swimming 2.4 miles alone would qualify as being one of the 30 toughest things to accomplish. But adding 112 miles of cycling immediately after the swim brings the Ironman competition up several notches. Throw in a marathon (26.2 miles) and you have yourself a top ten athletic achievement. Widely considered to be the most grueling competitions in sports, the Ironman Triathlon even beats out the Tour de France on our list. It is an absurd achievement for anyone to even finish this thing in a reasonable time, but the top athletes finish the three legs of the race in under nine hours, a ridiculous accomplishment.

6) Stopping a Penalty Kick -- The penalty spot is twelve yards from the goal. Soccer players can kick the ball 80 mph. Goalkeepers are human. This makes things extremely difficult. If you want to do the math yourself be my guest. In the end, the goalkeeper winds up doing a lot of guesswork and attempts to read the shooter and determine which direction he is going to go. Or you can take some felix felicis. Whatever works.

5) Playing Sports…as a Girl -- Girls are bad at sports. Everyone knows this. And since we’ve let them out of the kitchen and into a world where they think they have equal rights, they have bombarded us with things like Title IX and the WNBA. On the other hand, we have been privileged enough to be a part of a society that encourages this and this and this.

4) Covering an NFL wide receiver -- There is a reason no NFL coach is dumb enough to regularly put his cornerbacks one-on-one with a wide receiver, with no help from other defenders. It's practically an impossible task. NFL wide receivers are some of the fastest, most agile athletes in the world, and one mistake in single coverage means six points for the offense just about every time. The cornerback is at a natural disadvantage because he doesn't know for sure what route the wide receiver is going to run: their reaction time has to be cut to a minimum. But react too hard and you'll probably be faked completely out of your shoes, giving up a touchdown in the process and taking the sole blame for the defensive breakdown. Your job can be made easier by having a great defensive line to hassle the quarterback into making bad throws, but they can only help you so much. It's been proven Chad Johnson can turn 180 degrees after running full speed in just one-tenth of a second. Seems ridiculous to expect another human being to react quickly enough to stop him from catching a pass on a simple hook route.

3) Golf -- There are any number of skills required in golf that could be on this top ten list. Or maybe its just the entire concept of the sport: getting a tiny white ball into a tiny hole hundreds of yards away using a variety of metal sticks. Hitting the first shot is tough.. angle your club a couple degrees in either direction and you've missed your target by 50 feet, at least. Once you locate that 1-inch ball in the rough, hitting a powerful shot to get it out of there will probably be frustrating as hell as you repeatedly swing your club into the grass and miss the ball completely. Five strokes later, you are in the sandtrap, trying to get your ball out of there but instead slowly moving it up the slope of the sandtrap using another 3 strokes. Once you are out of there, 60 feet away from the hole, you somehow have to use your knowledge of physics to read the slopes on the green so you can get this nightmare over with. Tiger Woods can hit a putt from here. You can't. Four putts later, you finally get the ball in the hole. Congratulations on taking 15 strokes on a par-4 hole.

2) Returning a huge serve -- Andy Roddick can serve over 150 miles per hour. Meaning you have .35 seconds to react to the ball while it travels the distance of the tennis court. He can put the ball in either corner of the service box. Meaning by the time it reaches the baseline, it could be anywhere in a 17 foot range. Rob's wingspan only covers about half of that. All of that is completely disregarding any spin on the ball which could increase that range even further. Of course, if you do manage to react in .35 seconds or less, chances are your reaction involved turning around and/or cupping your family jewels to protect them. If you are good enough (or stupid enough), you can try to go for the ball, but is it worth it? After all, you pretty much just have to guess where the ball will be, and then you have to return it over the net and in the court, probably setting him up for a 150+ mph overhead, where you can repeat the process over again. Joy.

1) Hitting A Baseball -- This has nothing to do with being able to hit a baseball. But you will probably waste a good ten minutes on this site. And Addy got a .01…just throwing it out there. Bet you can’t top it…Anyways, just consider in the time you are trying to click your mouse, a hitter has to recognize the pitch, decide if it is a ball or a strike, and swing. Oh yea and make contact, too. Fastballs, curveballs, sliders, change-ups. You might think baseball players are unathletic and well…sometimes that seems to be the case. But the hand-eye coordination needed is unbelievable and the bat speed required is just as remarkable. Hitting major league pitching is widely recognized as the hardest thing to do in sports and the best hitters in the world only get hits three out of ten times. So this is not just Addy influencing the ranking…promise.

That's all. Feel free to complain about how your sport isn't here by leaving a comment we may or may not read. Also, vote in our new poll. We are trying to break double digit votes. YES WE CAN!

Until next time..
Siskel and Ebert (and you're getting two thumbs up)

J.B. Throwdown

With nothing else to do with our time, we've decided to closely examine three famous protagonists and decide which one we would most want to sleep with. Or which one is the best. Jason Bourne, James Bond, and Jack Bauer have a lot more in common than just the initials J.B.. they're ruthless, rebellious, and good-looking. In an attempt to make this easier, we've compared them in different categories.

Fighting skills: Bourne hands down. While Bond has all the technology in the world to help him, and Bauer has help from CTU, Bourne works alone from the start and has nothing to aid him. He is an animal, and his moves are complete instinct. He also gets points for taking down numerous CIA agents, foreign police officers, and assassins. Bond comes in second for consistently destroying the henchmen of evil villains trying to take over the world. Plus he's MI-6 -- nice.
Verdict: 1. Bourne 2. Bond 3. Bauer

Suave/Charm/Girls: No contest here. If you lined up all of Bond's one night stands you'd have an array of the hottest women from every country in the world, almost. That girl from Casino Royale alone puts him at the top of the list. His tendency to end up with the bad girls is a big plus, and his one liners usually make our hearts melt for him.. Bauer's female situation is a little complicated because he happened to cheat on his wife with the woman who ended up killing his wife. No big deal. He's charming enough, and probably gives Chloe a warm fuzzy feeling inside every time he screams "Damnit Chloe!" over his cell phone. Bourne would probably be ahead of Bauer if he was given more time, but as it is he got the European girl and thats about it.
Verdict: 1. Bond 2. Bauer 3. Bourne

Relative Size of Male Genitalia: Bauer takes the prize here. He routinely breaks CTU protocol, goes way over the line when it comes to extracting information from terrorists and villains, and is ballsy enough to do things like kill 8 guys with his bare hands, alone (season six), or plan a year long covert operation behind the president's back (season 3). Bourne comes in second for taking on the entire CIA by his own amnesiac self. He also is confident enough to attack people with rolled-up magazines, pens, and even a mouthful of vodka.
Verdict: 1. Bauer 2. Bourne 3. Bond

Physical Attractiveness: Whatever studliness that Sean Connery and Daniel Craig bring to the table is brought down by the likes of Roger Moore and Timothy Dalton. Matt Damon is attractive enough that he doesn't look repulsive next to Brad Pitt and George Clooney in the Ocean series, which makes him the clear winner here.
Verdict: 1. Bourne 2. Bond 3. Bauer

Significance: Bond wins again here. He's routinely stopped people from blowing up things, smuggling drugs and diamonds, starting wars, stealing important technology, and of course taking over the world completely. A line about this is what happens when there have been 21 movies made about you. Bauer comes in second for his heroics on American soil, stopping nuclear bombs, a presidential assassination, and bioterrorism. Bourne is a spy and assassin, but he is never really given the chance to save the world from something huge.
Verdict: 1. Bond 2. Bauer 3. Bourne

Best show/series- Bond…James Bond. Shaken not stirred. The ridiculous gadgets that Q comes up with. The continual stream of imaginative villains. The girls. The cars. The girls. Sean Connery. The cars. Some of the Bond movies are better than others but there are more than a few classics in the bunch. Daniel Craig was great in Casino Royale and ensures the series continued success. Bond is legendary, and deservedly so, and while the Bourne trilogy is extremely well put together and entertaining, it cannot compete with the overall scope and quality of the twenty-one Bond movies (soon to be twenty-two, holla atcha Quantum of Solace). 24 comes in a relatively distant third in this category because of the inconsistency between seasons.
Verdict: 1. Bond 2. Bourne 3. Bauer

Personal Choice: Maybe the most important category on this post, because obviously we've come to the point where we think our opinions outweigh anything else in this world. We are actually in agreement here, with Bourne coming in first, followed by Bond and Bauer. Bourne gets our vote because his fighting ability is off the charts. His repeated destruction of everyone in his way is all the more impressive because he generally uses his bare hands to do it. Unlike Bond, who gets to use pens that can hold cameras, bombs, and Ruben Studdard, Bourne simply takes a cheap pen and stabs a guy repeatedly with it. Instead of an invisible car, Bourne beats up a guy with a rolled-up magazine. Bauer finishes behind Bond for his tendency to go emo at the end of seasons, breaking down into tears when he should be killing someone instead. That our choices reflect the same order as the "Attractiveness" category is complete coincidence.....
Verdict: 1. Bourne 2. Bond 3. Bauer.. times two

Winner: Bourne finishes with 14 points, Bond finishes with 14 points, and Bauer finishes with 20. Lower the better. Since we both picked Bourne as our favorite, that breaks the tie. Yes, we are aware that our personal opinion basically just overrode any attempt at subjective comparison of the three, but really, what we think is more or less fact..

Until next time..
The Dark Knight and the Joker

A Day in the Life of...Addy Holmes!

Sorry for those expecting/hoping for Rob. But don’t get too down because who wouldn’t want to know exactly what is going on in my exhilarating, up-and-down, side-to-side, loop-de-loop, roller coaster ride of a life??!! The only possible answer is God. And that is not a fair question because he is always working that omniscient angle. Showoff. The rest of you mere mortals should be drooling in anticipation over what lies ahead in the rest of this post. Hopefully you aren’t drooling because you have already fallen asleep due to the sheer boredom of a post about my life.

July 17, 2008- “A Date Which Will Live In Infamy…but only when addressing the immediate friends and family of Addy Holmes, and only when they are reminded of what they did while extremely bored at work that day, and only if they happened to read the blog by accidentally clicking the link in Addy’s away message thinking it was some sort erotica (creeps), and still only then if they stumbled through the most recent post thinking it would be entertaining”

12:00-1:00… Whose Line Is It Anyway? No, that wasn’t another rhetorical question intended to engage the reader. You are a bunch of silly geese for thinking such ridiculous thoughts. Yeah that’s right…you poop everywhere and viciously attack humans infringing on your territory in order to protect your young but still like to dress up as ducks for a laugh. Silly geese. I was only referring to the improv show that airs on ABC Family from midnight to one a.m most weeknights. I have seen both episodes before. I am unfazed and still laugh because it is hilarious and because I don’t remember any of the specific jokes. If I was as clever as Wayne Brady, Colin Mochrie, or Ryan Stiles…well…we probably wouldn’t be friends. Sorry. I would have bitches and a posse. And you don’t find those things in the suburbs of Montgomery County…well at least not the posse. Instead I’m only as clever as Drew Carey and I apparently don't have his luck considering he somehow wound up as a successful host/actor/fat man from Cleveland.

1:00-1:30… I decide to write a blog on my day. If you notice the timestamp for this activity you can’t help but wonder how this possibly took half an hour. Well…sometimes my mind works particularly slowly. And I had to take a fifteen minute personal break after realizing there was no ice cream in the freezer. Devastating. I only hope I can get through the rest of the day after this early setback but it will certainly be a challenge unlike any other I have ever faced…

1:30-2:30…Bed. I contemplate deep issues like the meaning of life, where in the world is Carmen San Diego, and who put the bomp in the bomp bah bomp bah bomp. The last is particularly tricky. I thought I had figured it out but that led me right into the question of who put the dip in the dip da dip da dip. It was a tough night.

2:30-9:00…Sleep. I don’t remember my dreams. Nor would you care about them if I did unless you were in them. And you wouldn’t have been in them because you just aren’t that important to me.

9:00-9:30…Brush teeth. Eat breakfast. Shower. Yes, I shower. Dress myself. Yes, I dress myself. Thanks for noticing.

9:30- 11:15…Go to good old Doctor Filner. I don’t use the word “old” endearingly…he is actually quite elderly and looks like Santa Clause. A fatter version of Santa Clause. This visit helps my head some and it hurts less than at any point in the past eleven months. Good old Doctor Filner (that was endearingly).

11:15-12:15…I take advantage of my newfound good health to go shoot around in the backyard. There is a wasp hanging around the hoop. I ask how school is going at their small, Northeastern, liberal arts college and if they get to play much squash or are they too busy with the sailing club. After receiving no response, I realize that I got confused and this was a different type of wasp. An easy mistake but one I probably should not have made considering I had sprayed two of its’ brethren a couple days past. This was only after they had stung me and left my ring finger and forearm puffy, swollen, and quite disturbing. A confrontation ensues and the wasp flies away. That’s right, top of the food chain right here. Bitch. I finally get to actually playing a bit of basketball but soon see my reflection in the window and realize I’m still a 5’11 white guy. Pretending to sink the game-winning shot of the NBA Finals all of a sudden becomes much less exciting and I soon go inside.

12:15-4:00…I have no idea what happened during this time. I forgot I was supposed to keep track of what was going on during the day. Obviously I did nothing productive and may have fallen asleep at some point. Or not. It is hard to tell sometimes.

4:00-4:45…I continuing reading Lord of the Flies. Somehow I had not read it yet but I’m more than halfway through and it is pretty good. I read a lot. Good for me. If you have any book suggestions, please tell me.

4:45-5:30…SURPRISE! My old little league baseball coach stops by with his adopted Chinese daughter. It’s funny because he and his wife are white. Get it? My mom kept trying to get the girl to play with her and all my sister did was giggle for forty-five minutes. Basically I want to have the same effect on women as this small, Asian baby…and I use that description because I have already forgotten her name. And it’s not even a ridiculously complex Chinese name that the girl will one day eschew so she can go by something arbitrarily American like Susan. Even though her given name is something like Jinglei Xu. The Chinese clearly just have something against substitute teachers and try to make things as difficult as possible for them.

5:30-6:30…This time I definitely doze off briefly and awake to a headache almost as bad as normal. I try to ignore this by wildly speculating on how I would fare on the Lost island. In the end I decide the smoke monster probably would have gotten to me and I would have been dead by the end of the third season.

6:30-8:30…The epic summer series of tennis matches between Addy Holmes and Rob Sukumar continues. Rob wins in a thrilling third set for his second win of the summer, matching Addy’s total and setting up a furious summer finish. It is Ali-Frazier, Yankees-Red Sox, Lakers-Celtics, and Dean-Jess (Gilmore Girls reference for the ladies) all rolled into one. The man playing on the next court asked if we played tennis in college. We get concerned that he drove his son home from the park considering he may, in fact, be partially blind or mentally handicapped. Our only hope is that he assumed normal college kids would rather be doing something else while it was still ninety degrees outside and thus we were dedicated college players. Personally, I’m honored that he even realized I was out of high school.

8:30-8:45…I wait to stop sweating. I sweat profusely.

8:45-9:15…Dinner and dessert. My sister used a couple of her boyfriend’s grandmother’s recipes to make dessert. You know what that means…they can never break up. Why? Because one of the recipes was fantastic and if for any reason my sister can’t bring herself to bake them in the future because she associates them with an ex-boyfriend...well I will be feel wronged and a bit deprived.

9:15-10:00…Music and crosswords. USA Today and The Washington Post. Billy Joel and The Beatles. The internet is a beautiful thing.

10:00-10:30…Shower again. Search for my GameBoy so I can play Pokemon while waiting in line for Dark Knight. I found my GameBoy but Pokemon was nowhere to be found. A travesty if there ever was one. Excluding like…the Holocaust and centuries of slavery and stuff. And Michael Jordan playing two years of minor league baseball in the middle of his basketball playing prime. But other than those few events, it is right up there.

10:30-2:30…Dark Knight. Holla.

…Clearly I did not have any real ideas for entries. Maybe next time. Please vote in the poll.

Until Next Time,

Pimp A

What would we do if we were girls for a week?

Brad Pitt.

....seriously. And any other guy out there who says differently is a liar. If they got their hands on a batch of polyjuice potion that allowed for a week's worth of feminine fun they would not rest until Brad was in the bag. Obviously this entire concept is grounded in reason and realism. Regardless, once we are our sultry, sensational, sexy female selves we will immediately hop on a plane to Los Angeles and make our way to Brangelina. Since there is no way Angie doesn't swing both ways (the chick is crazy) and as women we probably would have a better chance with her than as men (our game is almost that good but not quite), we will be including her in our...adventures. We would rely on Rob's ethnic charms and the fact that men are already attracted to Addy as he is. Now just add boobs and......well the story obviously ends with things getting hot and heavy. Rob winds up with a bunch of scratches down his back and a portion of his ear missing. Was it Brad, Angie, or Addy? It is hard to say given how things got so mixed up and all but i guess we'll give Rob the benefit of the doubt...

Once Brangelina kicks us out the next morning without giving us a phone number or cooking us breakfast, we will proceed directly to the nearest bar. It may be ten in the morning but we will start early on the main activity on the agenda of the next couple days...convincing guys we are interested in them so they buy us drinks, after which we will never speak to them again because really now...they aren't Brad Pitt. Plus guys are complete tools and they deserve it. Women Are Equal Members of Our Society!!! ...or something like that. Anyways, those drinks we ordered would clearly be appletini's, heavy on the apple, since there is no better opportunity to honor Doctor John Dorien (and they are delicious). During this period we will be wearing as much pink and purple as possible (including ribbons for our hair) because this will be the one week when our sexual orientation isn't questioned no matter what colors we wear. Our wardrobe will include skirts because we find the breeze and complete freedom very refreshing and aren't nearly cool enough to walk around our campuses in kilts. If only we knew how to play the bagpipes...

This will bring us to the the last couple days of our week. We will spend most of this time taking advantage of the fairer sex...not in that way you dirty dirty readers...but in the sporting arena. We will try out for the L.A. Sparks of the WNBA and make the team easily because everyone knows women can't play basketball. While there we will find kindred spirits in Candace Parker and Lisa Leslie, both of whom, despite their looks, clearly are men as well given their aptitude on the basketball court and their dunking ability. Addy will record 27 points, 21 assists, and 8 steals in that weekend's game while Rob will post a line of 12 points, 26 rebounds, and a WNBA-record of 16 blocked shots. (insert lanky joke here). We will not be satisfied dominating only one group of female athletes during our foray into the world of women's sports so we will also plan a doubles match with the Williams sisters. This will represent more of a challenge than the WNBA because women's tennis is almost a real sport and the Williams sisters are almost men. Still, all of the Williams sisters' grunting does not help them. And to compound their woes they lose to us in the match afterwards in straight sets...

Please don't take offense to any of this. Rob even believes women should have equal rights with men and that enfranchising them a hundred years ago was a good idea. And everyone knows to ignore Addy in the first place...

Until Next Time,
Rohita and...well...Addy

Top Ten Characters on TV

Welcome back. And here you were thinking we might have forgotten about our loyal and dedicated readers who have flooded us with requests to continue blogging and who write all sorts of comments after our entertaining and inspiring posts... Well we remember and now have returned to the blogosphere alive and relatively well. Good times all around. Here is a list (everyone likes lists) about the top characters on television today. And there are rules for this list! We can only include one character per show and the show must be currently in production with new episodes on the way (so no one from M.A.S.H. or The Brady Bunch or Seinfeld or any of the other shows that would not have been good enough to make this list in the first place.)

2) Clark Kent (Tom Welling) Smallville- We don't watch this show. This is actually the rare occasion where we have not succumbed to the irresistible tendencies of teenage girls. But one of our dear friends who may or may not be a contributor to this blog may or may not have watched all seven seasons in two or three weeks. Apparently he is quite the fan and so we figured Clark deserves a place on this list. He has superpowers and a variety of attractive women all over him so i guess he's got a little bit going for him. But we all know the real reason he is on this list is that no one can say no to Tom Welling's piercing green eyes...nicely contrasted with his dark brown hair...and that body...mmm mmm good...Campbell's soup has got nothing on Clark Kent.

13,401) Dwight K. Schrute (Rainn Wilson) The Office- Bears, Beets, and Assistant (to the) Regional Manager at everyone's favorite paper supply company. While many would fall instantly for Jim Halpert's dreamy smile, we choose to drool over Dwight's carefully parted hair. Fiercely loyal to Michael, hardworking, a stickler for the rules, and attracted to Angela, he is everything we are not. Dwight also earns our sympathy for being the victim of Jim's genius pranks, most notably when he was forced to buy his own stuff out of a vending machine with a bag full of nickels. Props also go to Andy Bernard, Cornell graduate and singer extraordinaire (Take a chance on me.. that's for you Nick) who is Dwight's rival in all things The Office.

12) The Janitor (Neil Flynn) Scrubs- No disrespect to Dr. Cox, who gets our respect for his ever-present sarcasm and his ability to think of new female names for J.D. over the course of seven long seasons of Scrubs, but he is too much like Dr. House to put him on the list. Instead, J.D.'s sworn enemy, the Janitor, is the choice here. The Janitor's ability to outsmart J.D., Dr. Kelso, and even Dr. Cox repeatedly gets our admiration, and his meetings with the brain trust of hospital idiots are always hilarious. Somehow, he manages to push everyone's buttons enough that they treat him as a formidable opponent, even though he's just a janitor. This is an ability Ted the lawyer could benefit greatly from. His fascination with stuffing dead animals also seems to be a plus.

3.14159..) Liz Lemon (Tina Fey) 30 Rock- Is this to satisfy our female readers because the rest of the list is comprised entirely of male characters? Perhaps. Are we sucking up to you girls because we just really want you to laugh at our jokes? Maybe...maybe not. Do we really need that ego boost? Definitely not. Will we ever stop asking questions and focus on Liz Lemon? Only briefly. We feel terrible about leaving Tracy Morgan off this list because everyone loves the stereotypical crazy black man but we can't resist Tina Fey's odd charm and we only wish all of you girls out there were as funny as her. If you haven't seen 30 Rock, go watch it on NBC...Addy likes it more than The Office.

i) Ben Linus (Michael Emerson) Lost- Is he a villain? Is he just trying to do what he can to protect himself, his people, and the island? A lot of things remain unresolved about Ben but we are definitely looking forward to getting some more answers about him...any answers in general would be great actually. Just because Lost keeps introducing crazier plot lines doesn't mean we have forgotten about all the half-answered things that accumulated in the first three seasons. But since we watched all of those episodes in a very short amount of time some of the characters began to annoy us a little (that means you Jack and Kate). Or we may have just gone stir crazy, it was hard to tell at that point. We do know that we have had some crazy dreams about polar bears, time travel, bizarre experiments, and smoke monsters. Yeah...anyways Ben has consistently entertained and it's always refreshing to see bad guys/maybe bad guys/sort of bad guys/good guys who sometimes appear to be bad guys/etc. who are smart and completely able and competent. He has an underrated sense of humor and continually delivers some of the best lines of the show. Apologies here to Desmond Hume, who might have gotten this spot if he had a bigger role.

e) Omar Little (Michael Williams) The Wire- In honor of our homosexual tendencies, we've given a spot to a gay guy on this list. Also, he is black, which gives him even more in common with us. His place on the list may also be due to the fact that he is the most feared man in the streets of West Baltimore, stealing huge amounts of cocaine and cash from the biggest gangs and giving them away for free. Like Robin Hood. With guns and a huge scar across his face. Despite many near-death experiences, Omar continually comes back to haunt the gangs that rule Baltimore, mostly because they kill his friends and family in an attempt to get revenge for his thefts. Even with all the crimes, he makes a point of never harming civilians or swearing, and his friendship with the main cop characters make him one of the most double-edged characters on television. And yes we know The Wire is no longer airing but we felt it necessary to make an exception. Get over it.

0) Greg House (Hugh Laurie) House- Maybe the smartest character on television. Every week, he gives us justification for being jerks as long as we are (way) smarter than the people we are jerks to. Often unethical and extremely harsh, he will go to whatever lengths necessary to diagnose a patient. Not because he cares remotely about the patient or their survival, but because his ego needs to know he can solve any mystery. It's hard to decide whether I would want him to go out with Dr. Cuddy, Dr. Cameron, or even swing the other way and be with Wilson forever, but I'm leaning towards the latter.

666) Charlie (Charlie Day) It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia-A fantastically offensive show. And Charlie is the dyslexic, lovable loser who throws tantrums like a two year old and was "molested" by his gym teacher. And since J-Kwon and It's Always Sunny are an incredible combination we will use a clip instead of our words... http://youtube.com/watch?v=CQ8CezJVb9U. In this episode the gang allows underage drinking in their bar and eventually winds up going to the high school prom...something we hope to emulate when we form our own bar one day...hopefully we have our own tv show by then as well.

∞)Ari Gold (Jeremy Piven) Entourage- Vince's high-powered superagent may be the funniest character ever. Racist, sexist, sarcastic, and angry, he employs many of the characteristics we desire in a human being. Everyone in Hollywood loves him or hates him, including his wife and daughter. Regardless, he is ridiculously successful and loyal to his clients. Ari's funniest moments are vulgarity-laced outbursts, such as the one below, courtesy of youtube and copyright infringement. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uyXeClFPNfA&feature=related

69) Homer Simpson (Dan Castellaneta) The Simpsons- Homer earns the unofficial lifetime achievement award for his twenty years of loyal service. He may be ten years past his prime but the fact that The Simpsons is still enjoyable says a lot about...well about how stupid Homer really is and how much trouble he can cause. But we love him for that and we will keep searching for the "ANY" key since we have to push that to continue...mmm powdered blowholes (that is for you Nick).

Honorable Mention) We did not include anyone from South Park or Family Guy but any number of characters from those shows could have made this list. And Jack Bauer's name does not appear because we still hold him responsible for the most recent season of 24. We are actually holding him right now in Addy's cellar demanding a better season this winter. That's right...Jack Bauer is our bitch. And also because no one makes top thirteen lists. It is an unlucky number and cumbersome besides.

Now I know what you are thinking... "Are Rob and Addy the coolest people we know?" And our answer is I hope not that would be a terribly depressing statement about your life. But you are also probably wondering why we were too lazy to actually order our top ten characters. That we might have tried to pull a fast one by assigning each an arbitrary number. You are clearly too smart for us and next time we'll remember that we can't get anything by you. But this time we apologize for our obvious lack of effort and we hope you can move past that and accept us for who we are. You should be thrilled we posted at all. Until next time...
Chandler and Kumar