J.B. Throwdown

With nothing else to do with our time, we've decided to closely examine three famous protagonists and decide which one we would most want to sleep with. Or which one is the best. Jason Bourne, James Bond, and Jack Bauer have a lot more in common than just the initials J.B.. they're ruthless, rebellious, and good-looking. In an attempt to make this easier, we've compared them in different categories.

Fighting skills: Bourne hands down. While Bond has all the technology in the world to help him, and Bauer has help from CTU, Bourne works alone from the start and has nothing to aid him. He is an animal, and his moves are complete instinct. He also gets points for taking down numerous CIA agents, foreign police officers, and assassins. Bond comes in second for consistently destroying the henchmen of evil villains trying to take over the world. Plus he's MI-6 -- nice.
Verdict: 1. Bourne 2. Bond 3. Bauer

Suave/Charm/Girls: No contest here. If you lined up all of Bond's one night stands you'd have an array of the hottest women from every country in the world, almost. That girl from Casino Royale alone puts him at the top of the list. His tendency to end up with the bad girls is a big plus, and his one liners usually make our hearts melt for him.. Bauer's female situation is a little complicated because he happened to cheat on his wife with the woman who ended up killing his wife. No big deal. He's charming enough, and probably gives Chloe a warm fuzzy feeling inside every time he screams "Damnit Chloe!" over his cell phone. Bourne would probably be ahead of Bauer if he was given more time, but as it is he got the European girl and thats about it.
Verdict: 1. Bond 2. Bauer 3. Bourne

Relative Size of Male Genitalia: Bauer takes the prize here. He routinely breaks CTU protocol, goes way over the line when it comes to extracting information from terrorists and villains, and is ballsy enough to do things like kill 8 guys with his bare hands, alone (season six), or plan a year long covert operation behind the president's back (season 3). Bourne comes in second for taking on the entire CIA by his own amnesiac self. He also is confident enough to attack people with rolled-up magazines, pens, and even a mouthful of vodka.
Verdict: 1. Bauer 2. Bourne 3. Bond

Physical Attractiveness: Whatever studliness that Sean Connery and Daniel Craig bring to the table is brought down by the likes of Roger Moore and Timothy Dalton. Matt Damon is attractive enough that he doesn't look repulsive next to Brad Pitt and George Clooney in the Ocean series, which makes him the clear winner here.
Verdict: 1. Bourne 2. Bond 3. Bauer

Significance: Bond wins again here. He's routinely stopped people from blowing up things, smuggling drugs and diamonds, starting wars, stealing important technology, and of course taking over the world completely. A line about this is what happens when there have been 21 movies made about you. Bauer comes in second for his heroics on American soil, stopping nuclear bombs, a presidential assassination, and bioterrorism. Bourne is a spy and assassin, but he is never really given the chance to save the world from something huge.
Verdict: 1. Bond 2. Bauer 3. Bourne

Best show/series- Bond…James Bond. Shaken not stirred. The ridiculous gadgets that Q comes up with. The continual stream of imaginative villains. The girls. The cars. The girls. Sean Connery. The cars. Some of the Bond movies are better than others but there are more than a few classics in the bunch. Daniel Craig was great in Casino Royale and ensures the series continued success. Bond is legendary, and deservedly so, and while the Bourne trilogy is extremely well put together and entertaining, it cannot compete with the overall scope and quality of the twenty-one Bond movies (soon to be twenty-two, holla atcha Quantum of Solace). 24 comes in a relatively distant third in this category because of the inconsistency between seasons.
Verdict: 1. Bond 2. Bourne 3. Bauer

Personal Choice: Maybe the most important category on this post, because obviously we've come to the point where we think our opinions outweigh anything else in this world. We are actually in agreement here, with Bourne coming in first, followed by Bond and Bauer. Bourne gets our vote because his fighting ability is off the charts. His repeated destruction of everyone in his way is all the more impressive because he generally uses his bare hands to do it. Unlike Bond, who gets to use pens that can hold cameras, bombs, and Ruben Studdard, Bourne simply takes a cheap pen and stabs a guy repeatedly with it. Instead of an invisible car, Bourne beats up a guy with a rolled-up magazine. Bauer finishes behind Bond for his tendency to go emo at the end of seasons, breaking down into tears when he should be killing someone instead. That our choices reflect the same order as the "Attractiveness" category is complete coincidence.....
Verdict: 1. Bourne 2. Bond 3. Bauer.. times two

Winner: Bourne finishes with 14 points, Bond finishes with 14 points, and Bauer finishes with 20. Lower the better. Since we both picked Bourne as our favorite, that breaks the tie. Yes, we are aware that our personal opinion basically just overrode any attempt at subjective comparison of the three, but really, what we think is more or less fact..

Until next time..
The Dark Knight and the Joker