A Day in the Life of...Addy Holmes!

Sorry for those expecting/hoping for Rob. But don’t get too down because who wouldn’t want to know exactly what is going on in my exhilarating, up-and-down, side-to-side, loop-de-loop, roller coaster ride of a life??!! The only possible answer is God. And that is not a fair question because he is always working that omniscient angle. Showoff. The rest of you mere mortals should be drooling in anticipation over what lies ahead in the rest of this post. Hopefully you aren’t drooling because you have already fallen asleep due to the sheer boredom of a post about my life.

July 17, 2008- “A Date Which Will Live In Infamy…but only when addressing the immediate friends and family of Addy Holmes, and only when they are reminded of what they did while extremely bored at work that day, and only if they happened to read the blog by accidentally clicking the link in Addy’s away message thinking it was some sort erotica (creeps), and still only then if they stumbled through the most recent post thinking it would be entertaining”

12:00-1:00… Whose Line Is It Anyway? No, that wasn’t another rhetorical question intended to engage the reader. You are a bunch of silly geese for thinking such ridiculous thoughts. Yeah that’s right…you poop everywhere and viciously attack humans infringing on your territory in order to protect your young but still like to dress up as ducks for a laugh. Silly geese. I was only referring to the improv show that airs on ABC Family from midnight to one a.m most weeknights. I have seen both episodes before. I am unfazed and still laugh because it is hilarious and because I don’t remember any of the specific jokes. If I was as clever as Wayne Brady, Colin Mochrie, or Ryan Stiles…well…we probably wouldn’t be friends. Sorry. I would have bitches and a posse. And you don’t find those things in the suburbs of Montgomery County…well at least not the posse. Instead I’m only as clever as Drew Carey and I apparently don't have his luck considering he somehow wound up as a successful host/actor/fat man from Cleveland.

1:00-1:30… I decide to write a blog on my day. If you notice the timestamp for this activity you can’t help but wonder how this possibly took half an hour. Well…sometimes my mind works particularly slowly. And I had to take a fifteen minute personal break after realizing there was no ice cream in the freezer. Devastating. I only hope I can get through the rest of the day after this early setback but it will certainly be a challenge unlike any other I have ever faced…

1:30-2:30…Bed. I contemplate deep issues like the meaning of life, where in the world is Carmen San Diego, and who put the bomp in the bomp bah bomp bah bomp. The last is particularly tricky. I thought I had figured it out but that led me right into the question of who put the dip in the dip da dip da dip. It was a tough night.

2:30-9:00…Sleep. I don’t remember my dreams. Nor would you care about them if I did unless you were in them. And you wouldn’t have been in them because you just aren’t that important to me.

9:00-9:30…Brush teeth. Eat breakfast. Shower. Yes, I shower. Dress myself. Yes, I dress myself. Thanks for noticing.

9:30- 11:15…Go to good old Doctor Filner. I don’t use the word “old” endearingly…he is actually quite elderly and looks like Santa Clause. A fatter version of Santa Clause. This visit helps my head some and it hurts less than at any point in the past eleven months. Good old Doctor Filner (that was endearingly).

11:15-12:15…I take advantage of my newfound good health to go shoot around in the backyard. There is a wasp hanging around the hoop. I ask how school is going at their small, Northeastern, liberal arts college and if they get to play much squash or are they too busy with the sailing club. After receiving no response, I realize that I got confused and this was a different type of wasp. An easy mistake but one I probably should not have made considering I had sprayed two of its’ brethren a couple days past. This was only after they had stung me and left my ring finger and forearm puffy, swollen, and quite disturbing. A confrontation ensues and the wasp flies away. That’s right, top of the food chain right here. Bitch. I finally get to actually playing a bit of basketball but soon see my reflection in the window and realize I’m still a 5’11 white guy. Pretending to sink the game-winning shot of the NBA Finals all of a sudden becomes much less exciting and I soon go inside.

12:15-4:00…I have no idea what happened during this time. I forgot I was supposed to keep track of what was going on during the day. Obviously I did nothing productive and may have fallen asleep at some point. Or not. It is hard to tell sometimes.

4:00-4:45…I continuing reading Lord of the Flies. Somehow I had not read it yet but I’m more than halfway through and it is pretty good. I read a lot. Good for me. If you have any book suggestions, please tell me.

4:45-5:30…SURPRISE! My old little league baseball coach stops by with his adopted Chinese daughter. It’s funny because he and his wife are white. Get it? My mom kept trying to get the girl to play with her and all my sister did was giggle for forty-five minutes. Basically I want to have the same effect on women as this small, Asian baby…and I use that description because I have already forgotten her name. And it’s not even a ridiculously complex Chinese name that the girl will one day eschew so she can go by something arbitrarily American like Susan. Even though her given name is something like Jinglei Xu. The Chinese clearly just have something against substitute teachers and try to make things as difficult as possible for them.

5:30-6:30…This time I definitely doze off briefly and awake to a headache almost as bad as normal. I try to ignore this by wildly speculating on how I would fare on the Lost island. In the end I decide the smoke monster probably would have gotten to me and I would have been dead by the end of the third season.

6:30-8:30…The epic summer series of tennis matches between Addy Holmes and Rob Sukumar continues. Rob wins in a thrilling third set for his second win of the summer, matching Addy’s total and setting up a furious summer finish. It is Ali-Frazier, Yankees-Red Sox, Lakers-Celtics, and Dean-Jess (Gilmore Girls reference for the ladies) all rolled into one. The man playing on the next court asked if we played tennis in college. We get concerned that he drove his son home from the park considering he may, in fact, be partially blind or mentally handicapped. Our only hope is that he assumed normal college kids would rather be doing something else while it was still ninety degrees outside and thus we were dedicated college players. Personally, I’m honored that he even realized I was out of high school.

8:30-8:45…I wait to stop sweating. I sweat profusely.

8:45-9:15…Dinner and dessert. My sister used a couple of her boyfriend’s grandmother’s recipes to make dessert. You know what that means…they can never break up. Why? Because one of the recipes was fantastic and if for any reason my sister can’t bring herself to bake them in the future because she associates them with an ex-boyfriend...well I will be feel wronged and a bit deprived.

9:15-10:00…Music and crosswords. USA Today and The Washington Post. Billy Joel and The Beatles. The internet is a beautiful thing.

10:00-10:30…Shower again. Search for my GameBoy so I can play Pokemon while waiting in line for Dark Knight. I found my GameBoy but Pokemon was nowhere to be found. A travesty if there ever was one. Excluding like…the Holocaust and centuries of slavery and stuff. And Michael Jordan playing two years of minor league baseball in the middle of his basketball playing prime. But other than those few events, it is right up there.

10:30-2:30…Dark Knight. Holla.

…Clearly I did not have any real ideas for entries. Maybe next time. Please vote in the poll.

Until Next Time,

Pimp A