THE AMERICAN FOOTBALL CONFERENCE

Since I'm farther away from the center of the NFC universe (the Washington Redskins).. I'll be breaking down some teams in the AFC.

AFC East
New England Patriots -- Tom "God" Brady went down in week one, tearing his ACL and MCL. Ironically, these are the same two ligaments Notre Dame coach (and Brady's former O-Coordinator) Charlie Weis tore yesterday when a player collided into him on the sideline. Charlie Weis said he "felt like an athlete for the first time in his life." No word on whether Tom Brady feels like someone who probably eats Gisele's weight in food for each and every meal.

New York Jets -- Brett Favre took his guns and slings over to New York. He's comfortable in Wrangler. And the Jets are still comfortable having a terrible offense and losing to the Patriots, as they did today, 19-10. On the bright side, their top receiver has the coolest name of any top receiver in the NFL. Jerricho Cotchery owns you, Chad Ocho Cinco.

AFC North
Cincinnati Bengals -- Remember when these guys were the team of the future? Palmer-Ocho Cinco-Houshman;ohdf;lkjsahfd were going to be the next Manning-Harrison-Wayne. That defense had a lot of interceptions. One Kimo Von Olhoeffen trip into Carson Palmer's knee and its been all downhill since then. Coincidentally, Ocho Cinco is the number of arrests the Bengals have had in the last five years. They're 0-2.

Cleveland Browns -- Also 0-2. They had two home games to open up the season, and lost by a combined score of 38-13. Braylon Edwards is failing miserably on his promise to double Michael Phelps's gold medal count with 16 touchdown catches. Jamal Lewis and Shaun Rogers on the other hand are doing a great job of doubling Michael Phelps's daily caloric intake, minus swimming 8000 miles a day.

Pittsburgh Steelers -- Head coach Mike Tomlin looks like Omar Epps. For a team with such a tough reputation, you think they would hire an actor who wasn't in Love and Basketball. Great movie though.

AFC South
Indianapolis Colts -- Strugglesville, Indiana. Starting multiple rookies on your offensive line and opening up against the defenses of the Bears and Vikings will screw up your vaunted offense in a hurry. On the other hand, watching the offenses of the Bears and Vikings would probably screw up your offense in a hurry as well. The Colts are lucky to be 1-1 after beating Minnesota today despite getting thoroughly dominated throughout.

Tennessee Titans -- They're 2-0 despite the complete mental breakdown of quarterback Vince Young. Two and half years ago, Matt Leinart, Vince Young, and Reggie Bush were at the top of the world, attending the Heisman trophy ceremony and playing in the NCAA national championship. Now Reggie is averaging less than 3 yards a carry, Matt Leinart gets caught on camera partying with underage girls, and Vince Young's therapist is telling stories of suicide to the media. At least they got almost 70 million dollars in combined guaranteed money.

AFC West
San Diego Chargers -- LaDainian Tomlinson has yet to get going, and the Chargers are in a 0-2 hole. No worries though, last year they started 1-3 and still made the AFC Championship. This year should be more of the same as they bounce back and inevitably turn in their annual playoff choke job.

Oakland Raiders -- Their owner is insane, their coach has been on the verge of being fired for months, their quarterback is fat, their offensive line is non-existent, their new cornerback and defensive end are overpaid.. and their fans still go nuts at the football games. Love the Oakland fans. They might not be the worst team in the division this year, as they beat Kansas City today in KC.

Until next time,
One of Travis Henry's Nine Children (we all have different mothers)

THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL CONFERENCE

Autumn is a fantastic season. We can watch football and listen to Dick Enberg try to correctly pronounce names like Jericho Cotchery, Steve Breaston, Willie Colon, Oshiomogho Atogwe and Ashton Youboty. The possibilties are endless. The man is not even lucid enough to follow a tennis match at this point. How does CBS expect him to announce football? Anyways...in case you've been asleep for the past two weeks here is an update on teams from the NFC. Hopefully it is amusing.

The Defending Super Bowl Champions...The New York Football Giants (2-0)- How do I feel about living in a world where Eli Manning is the reigning Super Bowl MVP? Queasy. Also slightly dazed. My headache takes on a different quality when trying to wrap my brain around Eli's accomplishments. Kinda like any time I am trying to figure out the plot on Lost. I'd have an easier time living in a world if I found out Elvis wasn't actually dead.

Philadelphia Eagles (1-0)- Beat the Rams by 35 in Week One. My intramural flag football could probably compete with the Rams at this point but at least we know Philly would be a lock to win that intramural t-shirt. Might need a different size for Tra Thomas.

Dallas Cowboys (1-0)- Pacman...sorry I mean Adam Jones has stopped making it rain. Tony Romo continues to show up to practice instead of blowing it off to take trips to Cancun with Jessica Simpson. Terrell Owens is doing his ab workouts in places other than his driveway. Tank Johnson is being more discreet with his possession of numerous assault rifles. Jerry Jones still can't feel his face. Everything is peaches and cream so far for the Cowboys. Somehow I think that might not last...

Washington Redskins (1-1)- I don't think we are very good. But at least we won today. So these next few sentences won't be full of ranting about Jim Zorn's IQ level. Plus there are new Eastern Motors commercials out with Clinton Portis and Antwaan Randle El dancing like uncool white people so that made me feel better about myself. Your job is your credit. GO SKINS!

Green Bay Packers (2-0)- Prediction: Aaron Rodgers will have a better season than Brett Favre. Fact: I hate Brett Favre. I am sick and tired of him. I can't even write anything else about this team. Go Packers. Stick it to Favre.

Chicago Bears (1-1)- Kyle Orton is a starting NFL quarterback. He is obviously taking too many cues from Matt Leinart. But hey...at least he is not Rex Grossman! At least Devin Hester is still on the team so there are assurances that the Bears will occasionally have highlights shown on ESPN.

Minnesota Vikings (0-2)- Men who won't win a Super Bowl even in a world where Eli Manning and Trent Dilfer have rings...Tarvaris Jackson. Most teams had Jackson as a late round draft pick and a possible third stringer with a bit of potential. But the Vikings were not swayed and decided to make Tarvaris a second round selection in 2006 and handed him the starting position a year later. But this is the franchise that traded five players and six draft choices for Herschel Walker. So they have at least been moving in the right direction over the past twenty years.

Detroit Lions (0-2)- This team is awful. Atrocious. Jon Kitna threw four touchdowns against the Packers today. Two to Calvin Johnson and two to the Packers. Apparently the white jerseys of Green Bay started to look like Detroit's own blue jerseys. Or he felt too uncomfortable with the Lions actually completing a three-touchdown comeback and defeating their rivals and immediately reverted back to the standard Detroit level of performance.

Carolina Panthers (2-0)- I have no idea how they managed to win both of their games thus far, especially without Steve Smith. I hope they stop winning just so Rob is spared from having to constantly hear about the Panthers while at UNC. Or at least until basketball season starts and everyone realizes the Tar Heels have one of the greatest college basketball teams of all-time.

(Tangent: Dick Enberg just tried to inform the world that Legedu Naanee caught a two point conversation pass from Philip Rivers. I apologize to the entire Naanee clan for not including their pride and joy in the above list of names that are hilarious when in the hands of Mr. Enberg.)

New Orleans Saints (1-1)- Lost to the Skins. Beat the Bucs. Reggie Bush is elusive and still can't grind out the tough yards. Drew Brees can still throw a football with power and accuracy. Jeremy Shockey is still a complete douchebag. Martin Gramatica still wildly celebrates every successful field goal attempt. The Saints will hover around .500 all season and continue to be mostly mediocre. At least some things are predictable.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-1)- Jeff Garcia and Brian Griese! If only the Bears were so lucky. However, Bucs fans won't exactly be enthused with this tandem. And by season's end I'm sure Jon Gruden will throw Luke McCown out there, too. Hopefully they can be cheered up by having the opportunity to dress up like this.

Atlanta Falcons (1-1)- The season is already a success. The franchise quarterback has not yet been sentenced to jail for dogfighting. The coach has not quit midseason and gone back to college football. The superstar free safety has not been charged with solicitation. The glass is half full. Remember that Atlanta after another 4-12 season.

The NFC West- Not worth mentioning. Arizona will win this division with an 8-8 record. The Rams are embarrassingly bad. Seattle called me this weekend to see if I could play wide receiver against the 49ers...who are still the 49ers. Due to intra-divisional games we know that there have to be at least 12 combined wins for the division. Don't count on too many more than that.

Until Next Time,
Tom Brady's ACL

Public Service Announcement

I have written other things in my spare time while not blogging. More serious things with fewer bad jokes. They are kind of long and not particularly insightful but I plan on continuing to write throughout this semester. I have something on being sick/God/state of my life and something on the power of sports. If you want to read either or both of these or anything else I write lemme know. Also Rob has been blogging on his own...go read borderline ridiculous. It's linked in his profile. I have no idea what has gotten into us. Now go read my new post.

Until Next Time,
If-I-Had-More-Testicular-Fortitude-I-Would-Have-Been-A-Journalism-Major

College

Andddd we're back. I am in College Park, Rob is in Chapel Hill, and Nick is in...Tulsa. Wherever that is. So pardon our complete neglect of this blog over the past two weeks as we have all been busy getting adjusted to our surroundings. Seriously...we all have things to do. I swear. Go read Nick's new blog, 'Things That Happen in Oklahoma," if you haven't already. It's linked in his blogger profile...yeah...his blogger profile. He will probably never post again but then again this is the 21st post of Procrastinationsville, MD. For all we know this could be the start of routinely exceeding expectations. I hope not. Anyways, I thought i would update everyone on what my fall schedule is looking like so...here...we...go. (R.I.P. Heath Ledger)

Agriculture and Resource Economics 365- World Hunger, Population, and Food Supples: A 50 minute guilt trip three times a week about how I don't have any real problems because I am not starving to death. This class will probably be terribly depressing. But the professor brought his three year old son into class today to help him read a short story and ensure that none of the two hundred girls enrolled do not drop his class. Well played professor...well played...also he is kind of cute for a middle aged man. So if you're into that...please keep it to yourself. But sign up for AREC365 and pretend you care about the world.

Economics 300- Methods and Tools for Economic Analysis: Since I am actually an economics major I guess it is good I have at least one econ class this semester. This is what happens when you change majors after sophomore year has already concluded. The professor's last name is Ozbay. And that is quite close to Osby but unfortunately the only thing my professor has in common with former basketball player Boom Osby is that I have no idea what either of them is ever saying. He only displayed a couple gay tendencies even being from Europe and the textbook is a trippy bright blue. I feel like those are the two positives I can draw from my first day...hopefully there are more to follow.

Astronomy 300- Stars and Stellar Systems: I did not learn enough in Astronomy 100 to take girls star-gazing and impress them with my knowledge of the sky so I am back for an intermediate course. In the quick review on the first day the main point established was that we could not be more insignificant when taking into account the enormous size of the universe. Obviously I chose my classes this semester in order to reduce my ego and increase my compassion for fellow human beings...everyone best hope I attend lecture.

Environmental Science and Technology 373- Natural History of the Chesapeake Bay: This is a late afternoon class. One lecture is on Friday from 3-3:50. It is a twenty minute walk to the Animal Science and Agricultural building that I did not know existed until today. Despite having a relatively mundane and straightforward course description the professor repeatedly threw out the words differential equations, symbolic model diagramming, and physics during today's class. Every student has the option of taking only the final exam and taking that as your final score for the class. In summation...I am never going to this class again. One down...three to go.

Miscellaneous: Since I am only taking twelve credits (as I have yet to prove I have the ability to do my work), I will not have a particularly time-consuming academic schedule. In my spare time I hope to win an intramural championship t-shirt (I am actually guaranteeing one for the fall semester...write it down), run a sub 5-minute mile, build an epic Gatorade bottle tower in my room, become absurdly good at beer pong, eat the occasional vegetable, and find someone to replace Nick. Please post your applications in the comments section if you think yourself worthy. Seriously.

Until Next Time,
Soon-To-Be Van Wilder