THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL CONFERENCE

Autumn is a fantastic season. We can watch football and listen to Dick Enberg try to correctly pronounce names like Jericho Cotchery, Steve Breaston, Willie Colon, Oshiomogho Atogwe and Ashton Youboty. The possibilties are endless. The man is not even lucid enough to follow a tennis match at this point. How does CBS expect him to announce football? Anyways...in case you've been asleep for the past two weeks here is an update on teams from the NFC. Hopefully it is amusing.

The Defending Super Bowl Champions...The New York Football Giants (2-0)- How do I feel about living in a world where Eli Manning is the reigning Super Bowl MVP? Queasy. Also slightly dazed. My headache takes on a different quality when trying to wrap my brain around Eli's accomplishments. Kinda like any time I am trying to figure out the plot on Lost. I'd have an easier time living in a world if I found out Elvis wasn't actually dead.

Philadelphia Eagles (1-0)- Beat the Rams by 35 in Week One. My intramural flag football could probably compete with the Rams at this point but at least we know Philly would be a lock to win that intramural t-shirt. Might need a different size for Tra Thomas.

Dallas Cowboys (1-0)- Pacman...sorry I mean Adam Jones has stopped making it rain. Tony Romo continues to show up to practice instead of blowing it off to take trips to Cancun with Jessica Simpson. Terrell Owens is doing his ab workouts in places other than his driveway. Tank Johnson is being more discreet with his possession of numerous assault rifles. Jerry Jones still can't feel his face. Everything is peaches and cream so far for the Cowboys. Somehow I think that might not last...

Washington Redskins (1-1)- I don't think we are very good. But at least we won today. So these next few sentences won't be full of ranting about Jim Zorn's IQ level. Plus there are new Eastern Motors commercials out with Clinton Portis and Antwaan Randle El dancing like uncool white people so that made me feel better about myself. Your job is your credit. GO SKINS!

Green Bay Packers (2-0)- Prediction: Aaron Rodgers will have a better season than Brett Favre. Fact: I hate Brett Favre. I am sick and tired of him. I can't even write anything else about this team. Go Packers. Stick it to Favre.

Chicago Bears (1-1)- Kyle Orton is a starting NFL quarterback. He is obviously taking too many cues from Matt Leinart. But hey...at least he is not Rex Grossman! At least Devin Hester is still on the team so there are assurances that the Bears will occasionally have highlights shown on ESPN.

Minnesota Vikings (0-2)- Men who won't win a Super Bowl even in a world where Eli Manning and Trent Dilfer have rings...Tarvaris Jackson. Most teams had Jackson as a late round draft pick and a possible third stringer with a bit of potential. But the Vikings were not swayed and decided to make Tarvaris a second round selection in 2006 and handed him the starting position a year later. But this is the franchise that traded five players and six draft choices for Herschel Walker. So they have at least been moving in the right direction over the past twenty years.

Detroit Lions (0-2)- This team is awful. Atrocious. Jon Kitna threw four touchdowns against the Packers today. Two to Calvin Johnson and two to the Packers. Apparently the white jerseys of Green Bay started to look like Detroit's own blue jerseys. Or he felt too uncomfortable with the Lions actually completing a three-touchdown comeback and defeating their rivals and immediately reverted back to the standard Detroit level of performance.

Carolina Panthers (2-0)- I have no idea how they managed to win both of their games thus far, especially without Steve Smith. I hope they stop winning just so Rob is spared from having to constantly hear about the Panthers while at UNC. Or at least until basketball season starts and everyone realizes the Tar Heels have one of the greatest college basketball teams of all-time.

(Tangent: Dick Enberg just tried to inform the world that Legedu Naanee caught a two point conversation pass from Philip Rivers. I apologize to the entire Naanee clan for not including their pride and joy in the above list of names that are hilarious when in the hands of Mr. Enberg.)

New Orleans Saints (1-1)- Lost to the Skins. Beat the Bucs. Reggie Bush is elusive and still can't grind out the tough yards. Drew Brees can still throw a football with power and accuracy. Jeremy Shockey is still a complete douchebag. Martin Gramatica still wildly celebrates every successful field goal attempt. The Saints will hover around .500 all season and continue to be mostly mediocre. At least some things are predictable.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-1)- Jeff Garcia and Brian Griese! If only the Bears were so lucky. However, Bucs fans won't exactly be enthused with this tandem. And by season's end I'm sure Jon Gruden will throw Luke McCown out there, too. Hopefully they can be cheered up by having the opportunity to dress up like this.

Atlanta Falcons (1-1)- The season is already a success. The franchise quarterback has not yet been sentenced to jail for dogfighting. The coach has not quit midseason and gone back to college football. The superstar free safety has not been charged with solicitation. The glass is half full. Remember that Atlanta after another 4-12 season.

The NFC West- Not worth mentioning. Arizona will win this division with an 8-8 record. The Rams are embarrassingly bad. Seattle called me this weekend to see if I could play wide receiver against the 49ers...who are still the 49ers. Due to intra-divisional games we know that there have to be at least 12 combined wins for the division. Don't count on too many more than that.

Until Next Time,
Tom Brady's ACL