Reflections on a Summer of Blogging

As most of you know, I spent the past 11 weeks frolicking around in the wilderness of upstate NY with a bunch of small boys. In this particular wilderness, there was very limited communication with the outside world, and therefore, very limited opportunity for me to contribute to this wondrous blog. In my absence, however, it seems my contemporaries rose to the occasion and blogged like it was their job. My insatiable desire to feel included has prompted me to review this summer's posts, and to share with the nonexistent readership how I really feel about them.

NBA Finals Game One-Live Blog: Addy has always dreamed of becoming the next Bill Simmons (he writes funny things about sports), so I guess I was not surprised by this post. I was also incredibly grateful for the overview of the game, however I am still curious what happened in the last 5 minutes. I have two theories. Either Addy could not control his emotions, and is therefore no better than the women sports reporters whom we all love so dearly, or he had accepted there was absolutely no chance of anybody reading that far into a post about sports. It's a toss up.

Intramural Champion of the Universe: I resent this post. I have accomplished none of my goals, and will almost assuredly never earn an IM championship t-shirt. At least Rob is still Indian.

NBA Finals Game Four-Live Blog: Addy is still an emotional basketcase, and apparently oblivious to everyone's disinterest in his sportswriting. It was a good post, you should all go read it.

Top 10 Characters on TV: OK first of all, this is a legit post. That was a huge surprise. Well thought out, and could be appealing to a wide range of readers. If only we had readers. There is no second of all.

What would we do if we were girls for a week: This post left me genuinely horrified. After spending so much time in the woods, the shameless vulgarity caught me quite off-guard. Not only had I not seen a female in weeks, but imagining two of my closest friends as women was not pleasant. Rob would definitely have a beard.

A Day in the Life of... Addy Holmes: Upon reading the title of this post, I knew it would be either boring, or a complete lie. I definitely would have preferred the latter. No such luck.

J.B. Throwdown: Great analysis of the various JB's in our lives. This summer at camp there was a 15-year old French kid named Jean-Baptiste, known affectionately to all as JB. He would lose to the other JB's in every category, but he was hilarious, inappropriate, and spoke broken English, and therefore is somehow worth mentioning.

Top 10 Most Difficult Things To Do In Sports: I had trouble deciding if the goal of this post was to entertain, or to inform. I was left mildly amused, and thoroughly confused as to whether or not these are actually the most difficult things to do in sports. My only conclusion is that baseball is still a huge waste of time.

Olympic Breakdown Part 1: The Sports: What an absurdly long post. I hope this post isn't that long. Probably the best part was Addy's implied promise to name his son Jamal. Let's all hold him to it.

Olympic Breakdown Part 2: The Countries: When I read in the introduction that 50 countries would be mocked, I was dubious. I now realize just how little my friends had to occupy their time this summer. Some great one-liners though. I love one-liners.

USA-Greece: Thoughts I think I thought while reading this post: I'm glad the US is winning. I hope Addy someday becomes a better writer and gets hired by ESPN. That would be cool.

Oh Hey Michael: I have watched that video clip dozens of times now, each time picturing those expressions on the faces of Addy and Rob. Definitely a good use of my time.

Reflections on a Summer of Blogging: This post is long and boring. I am ashamed to have written it. I shall use as an excuse that I am rusty, and my next post will be better. Hopefully by then I will have thought of new excuses.

Glad to be back,
Davy Crockett

Oh Hey Michael..

This is basically what Addy and I looked like after watching the USA's awesome comeback in the 4x100 men's free relay. Suck it, France.

USA-Greece

Thoughts I Think I Thought During the USA-Greece Men's Basketball Preliminary Game

Why did I wake up at eight in the morning to watch this?

Sofoklis Schortsanitis is a large man. He is a center for the Greek team and comes in at 6'10 and 345 pounds. And probably is pushing 400 in reality...little too much olive oil for Sofoklis. And maybe a little too much sun, too. He seems to have more than the usual Mediterranean tan.

The United States team is a fantastic collection of talent but falls short of the star power of the original Dream Team in 1992. However, replace Chris Bosh, Carlos Boozer, and Tayshaun Prince with Tim Duncan, Kevin Garnett, and Amare Stoudemire and that may be the greatest team ever assembled considering Bird and Magic were tailing off at the end of their careers in 1992. Of course the 2008 team's defense is untested thus far against quality NBA talent, and if I remember correctly they would have to deal with some guy named Jordan on the 1992 team. Oh, and this guy will surely create terrible match-up problems.

Dwyane Wade has been one of the two best players for the United States (with Lebron). He is the most explosive player on the floor and flying all over the place. 'The Flash' might be more than a nickname now. Did he bathe in charged chemicals as part of the rehab from his shoulder injury? There should probably be an investigation. Because if this theory is not disproved I might take my chances and break into the NIST laboratory to try to get me some of that superspeed.

I think I could be the Takeru Kobayashi of professional Gatorade drinking. I have downed three bottles already this morning. I can feel my teeth rotting as I type this up. But I have such dedication I believe I may even be able to do Kobayashi one better and drink more Gatorade than a bear. Please notice the flag that the bear is competing under. Take that Japan! You can keep your zits, kimonos, and crazy anime. We will maintain our superiority with our army of trained American bears! Also our nuclear bombs. Yeah...

Chris Bosh wants his spot back in my imaginary Dream Team. He has displayed quick feet, great finishing around the rim, excellent pick and roll defense, and even recorded a steal when matched up against a Greek guard. He must feel bad that the quality of his basketball game has been lagging so far behind that of his YouTube videos. I'm fairly certain Chris would be happier if he was enrolled in film school. Unfortunately he wound up 6'10 with fantastic athleticism and a great jump shot. And that is a sentence you will never see written ever again...

Carmelo Anthony just got blocked by the rim. I never get blocked by the rim. Sure that might be due to the fact that I play my game far, far below the rim, but from this play I think we can all safely assume I am a more athletic player than Melo.

The U.S.A. finished off the game strong and won by more than twenty points. The defense was extremely impressive and proved far more effective than that of the Death Star's. Kobe would make a great Darth Vader but I guess Luke Skywalker is a bit more badass than Vasileios Spanoulis...obviously the comparison is not lightsaberproof. I'll work on it though. Until next time...

Han Solo

Olympic Breakdown Part II: The Countries

Warning: These Olympic posts are extremely long. That's what she said. Read them anyway.

While Addy is reasonably good at sports (and therefore covering the Olympics on a sport-by-sport breakdown), my ethnic background clearly gives me the credentials to comment on many of the countries participating in this show of world unity. Since there are 205 countries participating and I have no intention on ever writing about a country like Lesotho, I will pick about 50 notable ones to write about using my signature mindblowing insight. Here we go..

Afghanistan -- "AIDS is not funny. Believe me, I've tried"
Bhutan -- Props for having a hilarious flag. I'm pretty sure that's a Gyarados.
British Virgin Islands -- An incredibly bold move, trying to pass off as a real country at the Olympics. We know the truth.
Canada -- They have a stronger dollar than us. But its a moot point once you realize that the French somehow convinced half the country to speak their language.
Chad -- Given its location, "DeShawn" would be a more appropriate name for this country.
China -- The host country. Should beat the United States in terms of gold medals. No wonder companies like Nike and Walmart are moving their factories over there.
Djibouti -- That's what she said.
El Salvador -- The Savior. Really? Jesus is his own country. Take that Muhammad, Buddha, and other religious figures. Go Christianity.
France -- Napoleon's parents used incredible foresight when naming their child. The guy had a ridiculous Napoleonic complex. No one in France has ever won anything since he took over the world. Also, I just saw France lose the best 4x100 men's relay ever.
Georgia -- In the process of being destroyed by Russia. They will almost assuredly fall from their preseason #1 ranking with this defeat.
Ghana -- "What? You are ranked #135 on the Human Development Index? You're a Ghana"
Great Britain -- GB also stands for Green Bay. Great Britain is "Great" because they don't worship Brett Favre or wear cheese on their heads.
Haiti -- Evil cousin of Chicago Bears coach Lovie Smith.
Hungary -- Contrary to popular belief, this country was not founded by a starving person. It was actually founded by a guy named Gary who had a huge penis.
India -- Yeah, land of my ancestors. Also had one silver medal at the 2004 Athens games. One silver medal for 1 billion people. Using simple math, we can deduce that 6 total medals were given out at the last Olympics. So two events. One was probably cricket.
Iran -- "I ran, because the United States is about to bomb the crap out of me."
Iraq -- "I rock, because the United States bombed the crap out of me and I'm still sending athletes to the Olympics. Screw them."
Japan -- Their flag might be better suited for India.
Kenya -- The other half of Barack Obama's campaign motto. "Yes we ken!"
The Koreas -- One of them is our friend, the other is planning to blow up the world. Kind of creates a cute "the ying and the yang" situation. Ha, asians are funny.
Kyrgystan -- Clearly went overboard with the idea that the letter Y is a vowel. Probably the retard of the stan family.
Lesotho -- OK Lesotho, you win. Here is your one line of fame.
Liberia -- Means "Land of the Free." Still looking for the home of the brave.
Mexico -- You know that joke that says Mexico doesn't have an Olympic team because all the Mexicans who can run, jump, or swim are over the border? Yeah.. it's true.
Nic "lane" aragua -- Yeah, that was the joke. I have nothing else to say about this country.
Niger -- Wow, OK, that is incredibly offensive.
Norway -- "NorWAY we win any medals during this year's Olympics!"
Oman -- Far more athletic, far less emotional than the fictional African country of Owoman.
Palau -- "What? They named a country after Gasol?! He's not even the best player on our team! He gets a country and I get a freaking steak," said an incensed Kobe Bryant before collecting his MVP award.
Palestine -- Pretty much the same as Israel, except we're supposed to hate them.
Poland -- Somehow managed to not be taken over by Russia or Germany long enough to put together an Olympic team.
Russia -- At war with Georgia, because of Michael Vick's animal rights' violations.
San Marino -- Seriously, the 'S' and 'D' keys are right next to each other. This country was so close to being named Dan Marino. Which means they'd be cursed to not win anything ever.
Saudi Arabia -- Arabian nights, like Arabian days, more often than not, hotter than hot. Thank you, Aladdin, for the lyrics. Because otherwise I would have said something stupidly offensive.
South Africa -- Probably the only African country that will ever have a chance at winning a medal in swimming, and never have a chance at winning a medal in basketball.
Spain -- Reigning international basketball champions and EuroCup 2008 champions. Also home to Rafael Nadal. Props for being good at real sports, but c'mon, to be in the Olympic spirit you need to contend in the world of obscurity known as badminton and synchronized swimming.
Sudan -- If the U.S. media handed out medals for "Important stories we can ignore so we can shove Paris Hilton down your throat," the Darfur crisis might take gold. There is no sport remotely close to that in the Olympics. So no medals for Sudan.
Switzerland -- They make knives, which they probably used to cut off their manlihood. And that is why they remain neutral in every conflict.
Thailand -- Their capital is Bangkok. And no, that never gets old.
Togo -- Official country of McDonald's. "I'll have a burger and fries." "Is that Togo?"
Turkey -- If anyone has a non-Thanksgiving joke about Turkey, feel free to contribute.
United States -- We are better than everyone because we won the "World Series." Also we have the "World Champion New York Giants" and "World Champion Boston Celtics" and "World Champion Whoever Won the NHL Title this Year."
US Virgin Islands -- If they were to just have sex with the US Virgin Islands, both countries' problems would be solved. I am a foreign affairs genius.

Well there you go.. you are now the least globally aware person in your house.
I wish I were Michael Phelps. Until next time..

Misty May

Olympic Breakdown Part I: The Sports

Because this is the only time everyone will actually read what I have to say about sports. If I am lucky. While Rob is taking the country side of things because he is foreign and lanky, I am blessing yall with my opinions on the various Olympic sports since I would hurt myself less severely trying to compete in them than Rob. Don't worry about the yall...it is not a permanent thing. I am just trying it out in hopes I could become adopted as a resident of Alabama and know how it feels to be the smartest person in my entire state.

Gymnastics- Question: Is the vault harder than the uneven bars? Answer: False. The balance beam is clearly the most difficult event. I have no idea how you could possibly go about practicing for this event. Okay guys today we are going to try this complicated flip for the first time...don't worry if you mess up, you will only suffer a concussion and maybe break a rib or two. Question: Does gymnastics destroy the psyche of every girl who ever competes? Answer: I have been watching the women qualifying events for an hour and a half (slow night) and half a dozen girls have fallen or committed some other egregious error. All of them looked like they just found out they will look like girls from MTV's Sweet Sixteen the rest of their lives. Only with intimidating six-packs and thighs the size of my...torso. Hopefully they came to this conclusion after they stopped growing at the age of nine though. It is a miracle none of them have broken into tears. And this is only the qualifying round, the final occurs tomorrow. Question: Are the hugs the athlete receives after her routine one of the most awkward events I have ever witnessed that has not followed one of my racist jokes among a group of minorities? Answer: Yes. The girls look like they are tight-ass Puritan wives going to the marriage bed...just performing their duty. I feel like a group of teenagers competing together for their country in the Olympics and are bound together by their unbelievable dedication to the sport and obvious proficiency in bed should be actual friends. But maybe I'm just old-fashioned that way.

Trampoline- Freaking awesome. If I could be any Olympian and I could not pick Michael Phelps or any of the NBA superstars, I would want to be the gold medalist in the trampoline. Even though it will inevitably be some ugly Eastern European guy (I would have thought Chinese but it's all about Europe apparently). Professional trampoliner is one of the five jobs I would actually enjoy. Along with professional baseball player, video game tester, Hugh Hefner's protege, and being a stay at home dad...yep.

BMX- New Olympic Sport! Seriously. I guess we are still waiting for the Halfpipe and Big Air...

Swimming- I enjoy swimming because it is the only time I have the opportunity to repeatedly say the word breast without getting dirty looks from members of the fairer sex. Other than at KFC. And since I don't like black people I don't really make too many appearances there (to both of my black friends reading this...I am kidding. But really.) And since black people don't know how to swim, talking about the Olympic swimming events serve as a much better option than KFC. I was just at the beach for a week (we'll blame that for the lack of blog posts recently) and there were two black families there. One of them ventured in past their waist and appeared to be able to swim. This may have been the most exciting moment of the week. That or watching the guy staying at the house next door try to flirt with my sister...and maybe me, too. It was hard to tell. Anyways, swimming is cool, Dara Torres is old, Michael Phelps appears to be the smartest dolphin ever seeing as how he has convinced the world he is eligible to set human swimming records, and shaving your legs as a guy is weird. And as Ludacris so eloquently put it...lemme give you some swimming lessons on my...genus (which is Homo by the way), backstroke, breaststroke, stroke of a genius...

Badminton- Pretty cool. Seriously. And during one match the commentator repeatedly referred to African as a nation. "The African Nation." I guess the continent is about on par with the following of a professional baseball team..."Red Sox Nation." But hey...we abolished slavery almost 150 years ago! Moving on up...

Rowing- Because watching paint dry could not be included this year.

Track and Field- I am rooting for Jeremey Wariner in the 400m. He is white. He wears sunglasses during all his races. He is probably friends with Eminem, Tiger Woods, and Barack Obama since all must feel lost in their respective fields. And I am most excited for the shotput and making bets on when the veins of of an athlete actually pop out of their neck. I miss Michael Johnson not only because his name is a combination of Michael Jordan and Magic Johnson, but because his gold shoes were awesome. And i wanted some. But now it is probably uncool...now I will have to wear sunglasses whenever I run even if it is at night or raining like Wariner. And I don't feel comfortable with that. I am not Jack Nicholson.

INTERRUPTION: The 4x100 Men's Relay just came on. Five teams broke the world record that was established in the preliminaries by the United States. Both the French and Americans broke the record by four seconds. That is an extraordinary amount. I had predicted that the French would win the relay and we would get the silver medal and Michael Phelps would wind up with seven golds and one silver in his quest to break Spitz' record of seven gold medals in one Olympics. The French were ahead going into the anchor leg by about half a second and they had the world record holder in the 100m in the pool. Alain Bernard had the world record of 47.5 seconds and previously stated the French were going to "smash" the Americans. He maintained his lead through the first 50m and the race appeared over. But the balding Jason Lezak came back on Bernard gradually and eventually edged him by .08 seconds after swimming the leg in a ridiculous 46.06 seconds. And Rob and I went nuts. This is the reason you watch sports and this is the reason you watch the Olympics. I am not a diehard patriot by any means but every four years I root harder for the U.S.A. than I do for the Redskins, Orioles, or Lakers. The race ended fifteen minutes ago and I have never smoked a cigarette but I feel like now would be a great time for one. If you can't appreciate the Olympics move to Canada where your lack of support won't be noticed except during hockey and curling season. Go U.S.A. I'm sure I could put it more eloquently but my mind is a bit fried right now...

Basketball- It is nice that the world is improving and the game of basketball has become more internationalized. Otherwise how would I ever be able to root for Sasha Vujacic? But i miss the days of the Dream Team and the complete obliteration of the other countries. I even miss the days when the United States was a heavy favorite for the gold medal. I miss the days when we simply won the gold medal. We better win the gold medal this year. I'm counting on you Kobe.

Handball- I have no idea why this sport is not more popular in the United States. Players are allowed three steps with the ball and can dribble and must pass or shoot within three seconds. It is fast-paced, high-scoring, and seven players a side. It involves jumping and chucking a ball at a traumatized goalkeeper. You don't have to use your feet. I had a lot of fun in gym class the two times we played it...though I guess I always had fun in gym class. Anyways, we should not be letting Europe get away with its' handball domination. No more basketball, soccer, football, or baseball for our youngsters, let's get them into handball! Personally, I am teaching my kid handball and Jamal Holmes is going to star for America in the 2040 Olympics.

There may or may not be a Part II. If the public wants more...the public will get more. And eventually the public will consist of more than fifteen people. I have faith. Go U.S.A. I wish I were Michael Phelps. Until next time...

Kerri Walsh