Gymnastics- Question: Is the vault harder than the uneven bars? Answer: False. The balance beam is clearly the most difficult event. I have no idea how you could possibly go about practicing for this event. Okay guys today we are going to try this complicated flip for the first time...don't worry if you mess up, you will only suffer a concussion and maybe break a rib or two. Question: Does gymnastics destroy the psyche of every girl who ever competes? Answer: I have been watching the women qualifying events for an hour and a half (slow night) and half a dozen girls have fallen or committed some other egregious error. All of them looked like they just found out they will look like girls from MTV's Sweet Sixteen the rest of their lives. Only with intimidating six-packs and thighs the size of my...torso. Hopefully they came to this conclusion after they stopped growing at the age of nine though. It is a miracle none of them have broken into tears. And this is only the qualifying round, the final occurs tomorrow. Question: Are the hugs the athlete receives after her routine one of the most awkward events I have ever witnessed that has not followed one of my racist jokes among a group of minorities? Answer: Yes. The girls look like they are tight-ass Puritan wives going to the marriage bed...just performing their duty. I feel like a group of teenagers competing together for their country in the Olympics and are bound together by their unbelievable dedication to the sport and obvious proficiency in bed should be actual friends. But maybe I'm just old-fashioned that way.
Trampoline- Freaking awesome. If I could be any Olympian and I could not pick Michael Phelps or any of the NBA superstars, I would want to be the gold medalist in the trampoline. Even though it will inevitably be some ugly Eastern European guy (I would have thought Chinese but it's all about Europe apparently). Professional trampoliner is one of the five jobs I would actually enjoy. Along with professional baseball player, video game tester, Hugh Hefner's protege, and being a stay at home dad...yep.
BMX- New Olympic Sport! Seriously. I guess we are still waiting for the Halfpipe and Big Air...
Swimming- I enjoy swimming because it is the only time I have the opportunity to repeatedly say the word breast without getting dirty looks from members of the fairer sex. Other than at KFC. And since I don't like black people I don't really make too many appearances there (to both of my black friends reading this...I am kidding. But really.) And since black people don't know how to swim, talking about the Olympic swimming events serve as a much better option than KFC. I was just at the beach for a week (we'll blame that for the lack of blog posts recently) and there were two black families there. One of them ventured in past their waist and appeared to be able to swim. This may have been the most exciting moment of the week. That or watching the guy staying at the house next door try to flirt with my sister...and maybe me, too. It was hard to tell. Anyways, swimming is cool, Dara Torres is old, Michael Phelps appears to be the smartest dolphin ever seeing as how he has convinced the world he is eligible to set human swimming records, and shaving your legs as a guy is weird. And as Ludacris so eloquently put it...lemme give you some swimming lessons on my...genus (which is Homo by the way), backstroke, breaststroke, stroke of a genius...
Badminton- Pretty cool. Seriously. And during one match the commentator repeatedly referred to African as a nation. "The African Nation." I guess the continent is about on par with the following of a professional baseball team..."Red Sox Nation." But hey...we abolished slavery almost 150 years ago! Moving on up...
Rowing- Because watching paint dry could not be included this year.
Track and Field- I am rooting for Jeremey Wariner in the 400m. He is white. He wears sunglasses during all his races. He is probably friends with Eminem, Tiger Woods, and Barack Obama since all must feel lost in their respective fields. And I am most excited for the shotput and making bets on when the veins of of an athlete actually pop out of their neck. I miss Michael Johnson not only because his name is a combination of Michael Jordan and Magic Johnson, but because his gold shoes were awesome. And i wanted some. But now it is probably uncool...now I will have to wear sunglasses whenever I run even if it is at night or raining like Wariner. And I don't feel comfortable with that. I am not Jack Nicholson.
INTERRUPTION: The 4x100 Men's Relay just came on. Five teams broke the world record that was established in the preliminaries by the United States. Both the French and Americans broke the record by four seconds. That is an extraordinary amount. I had predicted that the French would win the relay and we would get the silver medal and Michael Phelps would wind up with seven golds and one silver in his quest to break Spitz' record of seven gold medals in one Olympics. The French were ahead going into the anchor leg by about half a second and they had the world record holder in the 100m in the pool. Alain Bernard had the world record of 47.5 seconds and previously stated the French were going to "smash" the Americans. He maintained his lead through the first 50m and the race appeared over. But the balding Jason Lezak came back on Bernard gradually and eventually edged him by .08 seconds after swimming the leg in a ridiculous 46.06 seconds. And Rob and I went nuts. This is the reason you watch sports and this is the reason you watch the Olympics. I am not a diehard patriot by any means but every four years I root harder for the U.S.A. than I do for the Redskins, Orioles, or Lakers. The race ended fifteen minutes ago and I have never smoked a cigarette but I feel like now would be a great time for one. If you can't appreciate the Olympics move to Canada where your lack of support won't be noticed except during hockey and curling season. Go U.S.A. I'm sure I could put it more eloquently but my mind is a bit fried right now...
Basketball- It is nice that the world is improving and the game of basketball has become more internationalized. Otherwise how would I ever be able to root for Sasha Vujacic? But i miss the days of the Dream Team and the complete obliteration of the other countries. I even miss the days when the United States was a heavy favorite for the gold medal. I miss the days when we simply won the gold medal. We better win the gold medal this year. I'm counting on you Kobe.
Handball- I have no idea why this sport is not more popular in the United States. Players are allowed three steps with the ball and can dribble and must pass or shoot within three seconds. It is fast-paced, high-scoring, and seven players a side. It involves jumping and chucking a ball at a traumatized goalkeeper. You don't have to use your feet. I had a lot of fun in gym class the two times we played it...though I guess I always had fun in gym class. Anyways, we should not be letting Europe get away with its' handball domination. No more basketball, soccer, football, or baseball for our youngsters, let's get them into handball! Personally, I am teaching my kid handball and Jamal Holmes is going to star for America in the 2040 Olympics.
There may or may not be a Part II. If the public wants more...the public will get more. And eventually the public will consist of more than fifteen people. I have faith. Go U.S.A. I wish I were Michael Phelps. Until next time...
Kerri Walsh
Badminton- Pretty cool. Seriously. And during one match the commentator repeatedly referred to African as a nation. "The African Nation." I guess the continent is about on par with the following of a professional baseball team..."Red Sox Nation." But hey...we abolished slavery almost 150 years ago! Moving on up...
Rowing- Because watching paint dry could not be included this year.
Track and Field- I am rooting for Jeremey Wariner in the 400m. He is white. He wears sunglasses during all his races. He is probably friends with Eminem, Tiger Woods, and Barack Obama since all must feel lost in their respective fields. And I am most excited for the shotput and making bets on when the veins of of an athlete actually pop out of their neck. I miss Michael Johnson not only because his name is a combination of Michael Jordan and Magic Johnson, but because his gold shoes were awesome. And i wanted some. But now it is probably uncool...now I will have to wear sunglasses whenever I run even if it is at night or raining like Wariner. And I don't feel comfortable with that. I am not Jack Nicholson.
INTERRUPTION: The 4x100 Men's Relay just came on. Five teams broke the world record that was established in the preliminaries by the United States. Both the French and Americans broke the record by four seconds. That is an extraordinary amount. I had predicted that the French would win the relay and we would get the silver medal and Michael Phelps would wind up with seven golds and one silver in his quest to break Spitz' record of seven gold medals in one Olympics. The French were ahead going into the anchor leg by about half a second and they had the world record holder in the 100m in the pool. Alain Bernard had the world record of 47.5 seconds and previously stated the French were going to "smash" the Americans. He maintained his lead through the first 50m and the race appeared over. But the balding Jason Lezak came back on Bernard gradually and eventually edged him by .08 seconds after swimming the leg in a ridiculous 46.06 seconds. And Rob and I went nuts. This is the reason you watch sports and this is the reason you watch the Olympics. I am not a diehard patriot by any means but every four years I root harder for the U.S.A. than I do for the Redskins, Orioles, or Lakers. The race ended fifteen minutes ago and I have never smoked a cigarette but I feel like now would be a great time for one. If you can't appreciate the Olympics move to Canada where your lack of support won't be noticed except during hockey and curling season. Go U.S.A. I'm sure I could put it more eloquently but my mind is a bit fried right now...
Basketball- It is nice that the world is improving and the game of basketball has become more internationalized. Otherwise how would I ever be able to root for Sasha Vujacic? But i miss the days of the Dream Team and the complete obliteration of the other countries. I even miss the days when the United States was a heavy favorite for the gold medal. I miss the days when we simply won the gold medal. We better win the gold medal this year. I'm counting on you Kobe.
Handball- I have no idea why this sport is not more popular in the United States. Players are allowed three steps with the ball and can dribble and must pass or shoot within three seconds. It is fast-paced, high-scoring, and seven players a side. It involves jumping and chucking a ball at a traumatized goalkeeper. You don't have to use your feet. I had a lot of fun in gym class the two times we played it...though I guess I always had fun in gym class. Anyways, we should not be letting Europe get away with its' handball domination. No more basketball, soccer, football, or baseball for our youngsters, let's get them into handball! Personally, I am teaching my kid handball and Jamal Holmes is going to star for America in the 2040 Olympics.
There may or may not be a Part II. If the public wants more...the public will get more. And eventually the public will consist of more than fifteen people. I have faith. Go U.S.A. I wish I were Michael Phelps. Until next time...
Kerri Walsh
2 comments:
Am I un-american because I rooted for Donovan Bailey when he raced against Michael Johnson? Or is it because I was born in India..
addy im completely serious when i think we could master the sport of curling and win the gold in two years
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